Sandi, is my wife a horrible monster, or is she deserving of forgiveness? Can the lying monster, that treated me like I was Satan for being neglectful, ever truly be trusted again? For 10 years, she was a great girl, for all that I know anyway. She had a temper, but I knew her to be of very sound moral character, and to be a mostly compassionate person.
It takes me way too many words to thoroughly answer your first question. I'll try to shorten it. If you see an untrustworthy and immoral character in your W, then you can't really rely upon the pursuing/coaxing/persuading techniques that your hurting heart pleads for you to do. If she is a wayward, then that means she has lost respect and harbors a lot of resentment toward her H. It doesn't usually happen all at once, but over time there were unresolved/disappointed issues pushed down into her heart. She either failed to communicate it, or you failed to hear it or didn't know what to do about it. Eventually, the resentment takes root and grows into feelings of disrespect for her H. By the time the bomb drops, she is acting out in rebellion toward her H/MR.
She is not that sweet girl you married. You can grieve for that girl, but you cannot treat this woman as though she is that sweet girl you married. In order to draw this woman into a MR with you, she must feel respect for you as a man/husband. Until she really respects you, she can't feel authentic love that a woman has for her H. That's one of the differences in men & women. The woman's desire/love is tied to her level of respect for the man. This is why a wayward wife will often say in the BD, "I love you but I'm not in love with you". At best, she puts him in the friend zone that guarantees nothing deeper in that relationship. She no longer has that type of feelings for him, and until she respects him......it isn't going to happen.
Is she a monster? She can often act like one. Can she change? Absolutely! However, it often takes a lot of work on her heart/attitude/mind-set. It's not something most people look forward to doing. WW's think it's easier to just start a new relationship with a new person, rather than doing the hard work on their M.
FWIW, you have received advice to help boost you on your way of reinventing yourself. I want to encourage you to watch youtube or join classes or read pertinent books..... whatever it takes to give yourself a balanced, fulfilled life. You put everything into your wife! She could have felt responsible for your happiness, b/c you had no social life, no friends, no activities......just her. That's a lot for one 30 yr old woman to carry. She can't respect a man who is so emotionally dependent upon her. That is the situation you have put yourself. You were content to stay in your cocoon. It will take you to get out of it. No blame on anyone else. Nobody is responsible for your happiness, but you.
FWIW, you are not responsible for her decisions. You both failed at something at some time.
Does she deserve forgiveness? How does a person deserve forgiveness? They can't work for it, b/c then forgiveness would be wages earned. Forgiveness is an act of grace. Currently, she doesn't even want your forgiveness. Until she feels remorse, she probably won't seek forgiveness. So, don't send her a letter expressing how you forgive her! Right now, you cannot trust yourself to talk with her about anything like this.....b/c you are still looking for the magic bullet, and there isn't one. Give yourself time to experience the emotional stages of the LBS.
Trust is another issue. After betrayal, trust has to be earned. The wayward spouse should put forth effort to gladly prove they can be trusted again.
I believe it's possible for this M to be saved! I think a lot will be determined in how well you drop the emotional you have tied around her.......and how well she sees you being a strong, confident, man that she has lost.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
