Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

journaling...

Today is my W's 46th birthday. Since we've spent the past month fostering a low-conflict environment and being friendly to each other, she expressed the desire to celebrate her birthday at home with the family (including me) and I volunteered to make dinner.

I decided to go with a Mardi Gras theme (since it just happens to be today) which I think will work out well because the spirit of Mardi Gras promotes a light and happy atmosphere.

I will go into this evening with zero expectations from her (as with everything these days). Frankly, I've worked pretty hard on the details for the dinner. And the old me would have been motivated to do so for the reciprocation from my W. These days, since I've been forced to expect nothing in the way of reciprocation from her, I find myself motivated to do things a bit more selflessly, not just for her, but for other people in my life.

I know that deep down my W is noticing my changes and wondering:

1. Why didn't he do this before? and
2. How long will this last?

I wish I could convince her that my changes are genuine, but this can only happen through the consistency of my actions. No amount of talking can reinforce the progress I'm making. I have to constantly remind myself of this and some days it's hard. I just want to scream at her "I FINALLY GET IT!!!"

I know I have to approach this sitch inch by inch and day by day. Every once in a while I'll look up at the horizon to visualize the end goal and then I'll look back down and keep moving forward. I think it helps to have short term goals though. These are mine:

1. Continue to work on fixing me and making attempts to reconnect with my W

2. Train for the 8K in April

3. Improve my blues guitar technique and continue to go out every week and play

4. Clean out my office to make space for my guitars and a section for meditation

That should hold me for the next 2 months.

You know, I never wanted this to happen to my marriage, but think it needed to happen...