I'm so happy to have found you. I ordered the DR book and am eagerly awaiting its arrival so I can start reading it.
First my question, then my story: Q: I am torn between to camps of thought on reconciliation. Which should I go with...I know consistency is utmost, so I want to be clear with my actions.
Camp of Thought #1: Always come from love and never manipulation, putting the leaving spouse in the light of love. This is not a religious program. This camp is to love my H, even in the face of rejection, with subtle displays of affection called touch charges and reaching out for talk charges daily. This requires me to call or text H with non-relationship topics that would be of interest to him. In addition, it requires me to subtly touch him at each encounter we have, such as gently placing my hand on his shoulder or when I hand him something to gently graze his fingers. When we have occasion to speak, I need to ask him questions about him in order to reconnect emotionally - non-logistical topics, like a story or joke I recently heard. Then when appropriate and if he is open to it, I should invite him to do something fun and of his interest with me once a week (less if he is obstinate), but never giving up. In essence, this camp of thought is one of love - giving love, doing what is the right thing to do by rising above and not allowing the reaction of the leaving spouse to deter me from my objective - which is to show leaving spouse love and kindness always. While doing these things, I will continue to work on myself and become the best version of me as a wife, mom and person. Here's the deal: My H does not reciprocate to my reaching out to him like this. He will take my hand and hold it, he will engage in conversation, he will be friendly, but he does not offer any kind of emotional reciprocation. This camp of thought would say - great. Unless he tells me to stop it and leave him alone (which he has not), then continue. It will make it harder for him to blame me for M issues and H's unhappiness. It will pierce holes in his story of me being the villan in his reason for leaving. This camp of thought has a very high success rate of marriages reconciling.
Camp of Thought 2: Leave him alone. Be nice when he reaches out to me, but otherwise, do not contact him unless it has to do with our son. Somewhat disappear from my H's life, making him feel the decision he has made. When I see him, be kind, but distant and aloof. Unless he contacts me with a question (and only a question), then I should not respond to him. I should initiate a no contact or go dark with him for a period of time before I re-emerge as someone "new". Thus, resetting his psychological button and perhaps his spark of interest in me.
In BOTH these camps, I will focus on myself and become the best version of who I want my life to be (with or without) my H. In BOTH these camps, I can reamin committed, but not attached, to the outcome for reconciliation.
I'd like to know which camp has the better of the two approaches to my sitch. Below is my sitch: (Thanks for reading this far! I know this is LONG!)
My Sitch: My H is 47. I am 49. We've been married 8 years. Together 9 years. We have an 8 year old son.
My H comes from an Alcoholic dad and a drug addicted mom. His mom gave H up when he was 10. His alcoholic dad took him in and raised him in a bar - literally. When H was 12, his dad remarried a drug addicted bartendar, 20 yrs his junior. She had 2 babies and an XH in jail. I tell you this because it may have bearing. My H spent most his time at a neighbor friend's house, where he primarily grew up. His stepmom kicked him out at 18. H joined army, went thru bootcamp and dropped out. Went back home at 19, and went thru various labor jobs. He married his 1st wife at 28. They were together for 4 years, until he told her "I'm not in love with you and probably never was." He walked away. He held several more various jobs and walked away from each when the going got tough. He also went to Pharm Tech school and worked as that until he lost interest. Fast forward several years. At 37, he and I (40) met. He was a sales call of mine. There was something in his voice that sent chills down my spine. I asked him if I could call him later that evening. When I called him, he and I "fished around" for information. Lots of flirting when we discovered we were both single, available and age appropriate. When we finally met, it was like we were meant to be. We just clicked. I said, "I'm not into games. I want to be married and pregnant within in a year. Are you in or are you out?" He said, "I'm in. When do we start?" Within the next 9 months, he had moved in with me, engaged, got pregnant and were married. There were some rocky roads and some awesome roads - ups and downs, but like I said we had both been married once before. I knew the reality of marriage and was committed from the day I said I do. You may by now realize I'm a fighter and he's a flee'r. When I asked him what it was about me that he fell in love with when we met, he said, "You were a strong woman who knew what you wanted and knew how to get it." Somewhere along the road, I lost that confidence and strength in myself - I'm here now rediscovering it. Anyway....
Four months ago, my 48 yr old sister and her 50 yr old H went through a rough patch where her H was going to leave her. She came to our house many nights to vent and unload. They had been married 25 years. Since then they have worked it out and are continuing to improve.
When my H dropped the bomb, he told me that he had been thinking of D'ing me for a while, but when he witnessed my sister's M drama, he made up his mind, he didn't want to be married for 25 years and then divorce. (I can't really see the logic in this as it would make more sense to me if H would have said to me, hey, I'm thinking similarly as your sister's H and we need to get some help asap so we can have an extraordinary marriage at 25 years, instead of wanting a D. Anyway.....) I knew our marriage had gotten in a rut. We had both withdrawn and pulled back. We were irritated and not sexual with each other. We still got along, but you know what I mean.
When he DB, I took it as a come to jesus wake up call like none other!! I got into action. It was the first time he had taken a stand for himself without backing down to me and it got my respect and attention! I began the Camp of Thought #1 program and made some headway. H and I started talking, we began having sex, GREAT sex, and we were reconnecting. He did not and has not mentioned D since that DB day. He now says he is not 100% done and he is ok with baby steps, but that he wants to be the one to pursue me and ask me out on dates. He is not open to reconciliation remedies "right now". He is still not in love with me "right now". His words. Since he moved out, he has been more concerned with furnishing his new "man cave", than spending time with me or our son. I don't recognize him. He carries himself differently - like a 25 yr old. He tries giving me high fives. He is using slang like a young kid. Seriously, who is this man? He assures me there is no one else. I believe him. There is no evidence. He has been struggling at work - financially he is in the toilet. He mentioned to me that he is tired of losing in all areas of his life and that he feels like he's been a fraud. He is wanting a clean slate, starting with moving out and "stepping out of the marriage" to see if he feels a missing. Then he will begin to clean up his business affairs. We have not been sexual since his move out date a month ago. Now that brings you up to date with where we are in our M or separation, either way.
He will respond to me when I stroke his ego, reach for him, give him attention - he thrives on social interaction and soaks it up when I offer it to him, as long as it is not about us, relationship or moving back home.....however, recall I am getting nothing in return! He is often distant and aloof with me in our interactions, though not always. He is in and out; in and out; in and out. It's like groundhog day for me. The day will begin and I'll reach out to him...he'll start to warm up and by the eve he'll have been receptive. Then the next day, it starts all over....distant and aloof, then warm up, then receptive, then next day, all over!
Well, again, I'm sorry this has been so long. If you are still reading a HUGE THANK YOU!! I truly appreciate your comments on (1) is this a MLC or an "I'm done....see ya" sitch and (2) which camp should I continue with?? I know the bottom decision rests with me, but I sure would like y'all's input!! Thanks in advance.
PS He is out of town for two weeks. When he calls, it is either about the sale of our home or to speak with our son. I have been texting him first thing in am with a good morning msg and kindness. That's all I'm reaching out to him....everything else he reaches this way. While he is gone, I'm exercising, bleaching my teeth, getting contacts, getting hair done and overall vamping up my value, self-worth and confidence both inside and out. I'm trying to get my groove back, though I'll admit it's not always easy....I do still have crying outbursts and depressive fits. OK, now you're all up to date.
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
