A WW? (7)

[lt0402]

Hey all, sorry I've been absent the past few days. Getting the house prepped to sell + work have been sucking down my time. Some quick journaling and will respond a little later to everyone.

Met with IC on Friday morning. We talked through the previous conversation I'd had w/ my W where she mentioned that when she told me she was staying in November (and that I'd won) she was doing that for my Ds sake. I also caught him up on the Ws desire to rent instead of purchase a new home, as well as the speed with which the house selling is progressing.

So, IC took the conversation in a different direction at that point. IC asked had I thought about using the move as a kickoff point for physically S from my W. Took me by surprise as my ICs always been one to continue the fight for the M. He told me that normally he would never recommend something like this, but if it were him he thinks he'd have a hard time living like this into perpetuity. He highlighted that with me getting the information from my W as far as her motives for staying in the M, I now know where I stand with her.

We talked through it a bit and he mentioned that the recent conversations have dislodged the stickiness a bit. If I were to choose to pursue the S path w/ the move, the window would be small for it. I told him I needed to take it away and think through it as that option hadn't even crossed my mind.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking on this. I keep coming back to my D and the cut in time I'd be able to spend with her. I keep coming back to the fact that I'm not sure I want to quit my M. I do know that I don't want to continue living in my M the way it is though. So now I kind of feel stuck a bit. W shows no willingness to warm up in the least. Even when she seems to let her guard down and there's some small, tiny connection, it's always followed by something very cold. Almost like she's realized her mistake and is resetting things back to how she wants them.

I'm not saying I'm ready to give up, but the question has definitely gotten me thinking. I wonder when is the time to quit. When is the time to say enough is enough, let's rip apart ours and Ds lives and call this thing what it is. None of the 3 of us deserve to be unhappy, so at some point we need to part ways so W can pursue whatever it is that would make her happy.

On the surface, W seems like a mess. We did dinner out two nights last week as our kitchen is a mess. Finally was able to have a 10 minute conversation w/ W. It was about some big changes occurring to the structure of the company and division I work for. W used to work in a similar role, so she's always been good for input on these things. We had a nice conversation and I let her do most of the talking as I pretty much just listened and asked her opinion. The strange part was that the no eye contact thing was still there for all 10 minutes. Pretty much she looked everywhere but me. I'd thought we'd progressed past that, but I guess not.

We've been working, as a team, on a list of stuff to do to get the house ready to sell. That's been sucking down a ton of my time as we're only 2 weeks out now. Made time for D and I last night by leaving work 45 minutes early and we went out for an hour and hunted pokemon before dark. extremely focused on not allowing my time (especially the quality of it) with D to degrade at all. D is having some struggles with her friends at school, in that she feels disincluded at times. It's some mix of she doesn't always want to do what they do and I think some girl vs girl dynamics she's not used to. Trying to be there at home to help build that confidence and give her an ear in addition to my W. Love that kid.

Stuck a bit, but continuing to grind through things in my head. I don't believe I'm ready to throw in the towel yet, but the fact it's still residing in my brain probably points to it as a valid option at some point. Who knows.

Cristy, thank you for the reminder, as always!

There is only one way to rebuild trust. Do what you say you will do. Every time, no excuses, no partially doing it. Just keep your word 100%. So be careful to only commit to what you will do. And be mindful that anything less until the relationship is on good footing puts you back at square one no matter how far you've come.

MV, you are 100% spot on. I'd been very careful about this, but had let my guard down. W latched onto that failure and took advantage of it. Looking at other relationships I have, it's easy to see how most of them would result in "no worries, we'll figure it out", instead of the instant resentment that W fires back at me.

First, I would handle myself beyond reproach. If she asks you not to call her a nickname, don't do it. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you aren't sure you can keep a commitment, don't make it. Telling her something you think she wants to hear won't change her feelings towards you, she'll be skeptical you won't do it and then angry when you fall through. Bottom line, run a tight darn ship. She'll still spew, but at least then you'll know you don't deserve it and she deep down might as well.

Words to live by Zues. The part I struggle with is at times mistakes are going to happen, regardless of how carefully I plan/monitor things. Not using it as an excuse, just a realization that with all these balls up in the air, sometimes things are going to drop. It's highly frustrating that there's no benefit of the doubt that comes from W. I get it though and will/am striving for it. I strive to be a man of my word and will continue to do so.

Secondly, stop with the R talks. I hear your IC, I just don't agree. What's the point of having an R talk about things not being sustainable? This is more words, not actions. She knows you don't like things how they are, she obviously doesn't give a hoot. So what happens after you have your R talk about things not being sustainable, what happens when you have your talk about not wanting to go to marital counseling unless conditions are met she's not willing to meet? What then? If you won't do anything differently anyway there is no point as she's just going to blow you off and you're going to look weak. If you WILL take different action such as filing or changing your behvior, just go ahead and file or change your darn behavior! Speak to her with actions, not words, and don't take those actions until you are doing them for you, not to try to control her.

Yes. I've gotten the feedback I was looking for from the R discussion. I felt like my feelings about the situation needed to be heard. Probably could have done it w/ a shorter dialogue, but those things always seem to draw themselves out. No more R discussions currently planned. Just the reaction/pushing away from my W post that discussion was brutal. All actions from here on out. Currently those actions are getting the house ready to sell as I said I would plus keeping up my R with my D even with the house and work stuff piling up. Not a balance I've been able to do in the past. But one that I damn well will do now.

It's not always easy, but it sure looks clear to me. Live in a way that you would if you knew she wasn't coming back to the marriage. Hopefully the man you'd choose to be would still be one that could attract her back and maybe there is a new R between you two in the future. But putting your eggs in that basket or trying to steer her in that direction won't work. Time to move forward and not look back to see if she's following. That doesn't necessarily mean filing, although it might. It doesn't mean buying a new place necessarily, although it might. It just means moving forward with your life. Your life isn't your legal status or where you live. Your live is how you live it.

To be honest, I don't really care if the man I choose to be wins my W back. In the end, the person I am choosing to be is for myself and not her. An excellent by product would be the salvation of my M, but I agree that it cannot be my goal. I want to be who I am because it makes ME happy. I want to be who I am because it provides a great example to my D. I want to be a dad who his child can come to in times of crisis and joy. So many things that I want to be, but in the end it's all about taking pride in who I am, not who W wants me to be. Comes back to the thought that maybe we just M the wrong people.

FG and JR, have to hop to a meeting. Sorry on the no response, but will post a little later. Thanks to everyone for all of the thoughts and support, as always you are all my lighthouse in this.