Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

WillDo:

Thanks for your post. Boys live with me full time. S11 was spending one night a week with her - but that has evaporated.

She lives alone. I was in her apt once.

She now spends most of her parenting time her at the house S16 has his own life. If she wants to see him, she needs to feed him, etc here.

She is spending some of her non parenting time here too. She is getting involved in our basement reno project etc.

[bigybiz]

Statuo Quo continues. W spends much of her parenting time here. She cleans the bathroom, etc when she is here. I try not to "pressure" her as Sandi2 says.

Our basement reno is about 75% complete. We have a beautiful functioning 2nd bathroom and we can do laundry again in the house.

After she accepting numerous family time invitations from me and declining and no showing a few too, she invited me to a restaurant meal with her and the boys. I never turn down a free meal.

We continue this coexistence. No progress forwards or backwards.

[Vanilla]

Bigy

RD500 had a WW who cleaned the house, came and went as she chose.

It is my view that whilst friendship and connection is good, drifting in and out of your space is not. I guess you don't do that in hers. Eventually this strategy seems to irritate teenagers, I often read, you want to be my mum? Then be a proper mum to me and a W to dad. They back off usually emotionally. That is what I perceive. They have their dad and their home, a mum who is not fully involved is a by line. There isn't much you can do, this is mums decision.

I personally would like to see you start LRT, that means privacy and boundaries with your space.

The lighthouse and picnic strategy is a really great one, although the lighthouse isn't open all hours! And the picnic is available at meal times only.

You are a great organised dad, you have to be. Each parent has their own personal style of parenting. Feeding and cleaning being acts of service. So I would stop on the weekly meetings or set up online.

You are doing great

V

[bigybiz]

Vanilla:

Thanks for your note. I'll look for RD500's thread.

I'm not familar with the picnic strategy. I do love the lighthouse.

FYI - Weekly meetings never happened. She suggested them, we had one. At week two I asked about it - no response. That was 8 months ago. Now I just make all the decisions. I leave paperwork for her in a binder in the kitchen. I don't schedule things for the boys on her time. We don't co-parent and we don't parallel parent. We coexist.

For the record- she does not come and go as she pleases. She only come to the house on her parenting days. That's the boundary. It's still her house and it's where her sons live 100% of the time. I don't interfere. S11 spend Saturday's with her most of the time at her apt. He sleeps here.

Most of the time when she is here, I'm out taking in some GAL or in the basement working on our renovation. There is almost 0 small talk. If a meal is being served about 50% of the time I join them.

When she is here she pitches in. I don't expect it and/or encourage it. I simply say thank you. I know that as soon as I start counting/relying on her - that's when a problem will begin.

I'm keen to see what happens between the boys and mom as time marches on.

I've watched the LRT video's at least three times and I think I'm following the advice MWD gives and have embraced the LRT. As my DB coach said to me months ago - This is a process not an event.

[Vanilla]

Thank you for the clarification.

V

[Vanilla]

picnic strategy

Fogg thread

V

[bigybiz]

Sorry I could not find the Picnic strategy

[Vanilla]

Spit

BUM

FART


the real picnic

Apologies

V

[bigybiz]

Vanilla:

Thanks for taking the time to find the picnic story for me.

Going back to the mantra - do what works, I'm seeing a change in my Rapunzel. The key is to not focus on it and or expect it. Just keep laying out the picnic everyday and enjoying the picnic, no matter who attends.

[bigybiz]

Well roller coaster ride continues.

Yesterday, W ask if we should file joint tax returns this year. I told her she should as her accountant. She then said she did not have one and we should file them jointly. I was confused. I told her OK.

I'll look into what is best for me - but it seemed odd that she did not want to take the next step towards D. Not mind reading, not expecting anything - it may be cake eating.

As I said, I was confused.

Part II

A six weeks ago W and I discussed S11 changing schools (we are both unhappy with the current school). We split the job in two. I researched the possible schools W was to contact S11's current school to find out about the transfer.

I did my part, informed her and left it. When W brought up the taxes and that topic was over - I asked her about what information she had from the school. W went on to say she has been busy, etc etc - then asked me to contact the school as I walk S11 to school everyday.

I said No. She has the relationship with the school office and she said she would do it. So I've left it. I'm guessing that she won't do anything about it.

If I take over and arrange for the transfer, I'm letting her off the hook and will probably feed the I'm controlling, etc narrative.

If I don't take over - S11 will languish at the current school.

The saga continues.