This used to be easier - and a lot more fun, cont.

[Zues126]

Zues, of course it is great to be accomplished. But how about being accomplished in relationships? We get good at what we practice and focus on.

Interestingly, WH is very accomplished. He is highly respected at work, innovative, asked for by management for special projects, sent around the world to teach, and in general a very hard worker.

But he has cheated in the most offensive manner on a string of wives. And he told me straight out that his job was more important
than our marriage.

That's why I look for the things I do in a potential partner. Honesty (and yes, I test). Kindness. Character.

My post was stating that both accomplishments and values are important. Accomplishments don't excuse a lack of character.

I am very accomplished and never cheated on XW or walked on my obligations to my family. XW was the one that cheated and walked and she wasn't as accomplished. It's not one or the other.

It seems to me that it's really easy to take the qualities that lead to achievement for granted. Persistence, innovation, ambition, competency, hard work. That is what built the very world we live in. Now as we sit in our air conditioned houses and have a fully stocked refrigerator and can drive in cars with our children to doctors to get medicine, now we can say 'ok, we're good, I don't need all that, I've got enough, those qualities don't matter much to me anymore'. But with an empty stomach, sick untreated children, and all kinds of other hardships all of a sudden those traits start becoming paramount.

This goes along with my speculation that hardship is what kept marriages together and that the divorce rate has to come up as our quality of life rises. Marriage requires accepting things that we consider unacceptable, sacrificing our freedom, and taking our rights to pursue personal happiness and placing them beneath our obligations to serve our family. When a partnership becomes a convenience instead of a necessity most people simply won't make those choices.

I've talked about this before. The hierarchy of needs, starting with need of food and water, then safety, then belonging, then prestige, etc. When people were in a survival situation all they longed for was a partner that could help them survive. As we move higher up this pyramid of needs people have become more demanding.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, and this is just how it looks to me. Just my own attempt to make sense out of a crazy chaotic world we live in.

I get why you'd focus on what you focus on after what you've been through. I'm not criticizing your emphasis on making sure a guy isn't going to turn out to be a snake. Your XH was flat out wrong to cheat and the destruction of multiple marriages is ghastly. I can empathize with how he probably felt, it wouldn't surprise me if the women he was cheating with were making him feel admired and important for what he was doing in his life. Again, my point being that having his achievements recognized and not dismissed is a core need for most males. But part of being a man is taking it on the chin if your marriage doesn't provide you what you want and need and still honoring your commitments. He came up very short there and I can see why you'd need to know this wouldn't happen to you again.

As for me, my XW left me and is now dating a stoner that parties with her on the weekends saying she doesn't need a guy that's successful materially, she just wants someone that she can have a good time with. I'm thinking to myself "Of course you don't need a guy that works hard, you have a court order pointed at my head forcing me to provide thousands of dollars a month for you already, and since I'm already meeting your basic needs you have the luxury to go out and fish with your alcoholic boyfriend..." For me it is absolutely critical that I am super successful or my family won't be provided for because the buck stops with me. No one has to say thanks, but I get to see my children eat, I get to buy them books to read, I get to pay for their violin rentals, I get to pay their chess tournament registration. That's enough validation for me and I know better to look for it anywhere else.