As lost and unhappy as you can imagine they are, in reality it is much, much worse.
Often they are back to the emotional age of their deepest trauma which they never fully healed.
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Detaching has been so hugely difficult for me. I have read a lot about it, but find myself still struggling. I explored some of the reasons why with my therapist on Friday. It seems that I have been dealing with things as a wounded little girl. I had a difficult childhood with some physical and a lot of emotional abuse at the hand of my mother and lack of protection from my father. While my feelings are my feelings, they are being experienced as though I am little again. It's hard to understand and even harder to explain.
I completely understand as I, too, experienced the same - emotional and physical maternal abuse while my father just let it all happen and didn't protect me. Believe me, I get it. I've done so much work to heal the relationships with my parents, but there was always that deepest wounding of abandonment. I know now that I put up with a lot from exh because I was afraid he would leave. Guess what? Nothing I did or didn't do changed whether or not he left. But by abandoning myself - not standing up for myself - I caused myself more harm.
I finally understand that one cannot truly be abandoned unless one has abandoned oneself. It was a hard, painful lesson.
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Right now, I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I can hardly believe how easily H can turn off his emotions and turn his back on me. It's like a light switch. Sometimes I hate myself for feeling sad over him. Especially after the way he has treated me. I need to ask myself, am I hanging on because I am that lost little girl just hoping that someone will love me? At times I find myself thinking, who in their right mind would want this man back after all he has done?
I bet most of us have had those feelings at various times throughout this process. It's important to remember that your feelings aren't facts and they will change -
No one can tell another when to stop standing. The very best thing you can do for yourself right now is to think about all the ways you may be abandoning yourself and that little girl inside of you and do your very best to be present for her and you.
You can do this. I have faith in you. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
