Is it wrong to just want him out of my life? Most of the time I wish he was a vanisher. I wish he would just go away. The grass is always greener, huh. I know there are LBSs who have spouses who were vanishers and may wish for what I have. I must learn to accept what is.

Detaching has been so hugely difficult for me. I have read a lot about it, but find myself still struggling. I explored some of the reasons why with my therapist on Friday. It seems that I have been dealing with things as a wounded little girl. I had a difficult childhood with some physical and a lot of emotional abuse at the hand of my mother and lack of protection from my father. While my feelings are my feelings, they are being experienced as though I am little again. It's hard to understand and even harder to explain.

Right now, I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I can hardly believe how easily H can turn off his emotions and turn his back on me. It's like a light switch.

Sometimes I hate myself for feeling sad over him. Especially after the way he has treated me. I need to ask myself, am I hanging on because I am that lost little girl just hoping that someone will love me? At times I find myself thinking, who in their right mind would want this man back after all he has done?

God has given me an out . . . physical infidelity. Am I standing for the right reasons? I don't think given my emotional state, I can answer that question. On the one hand, I say I made a promise to this man and to God. I made a commitment and I am not a quitter. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean I should turn my back and walk away. On the other hand, is this more than just "hard." Is it toxic? Is it hurting me more?

He says he doesn't love me anymore and boy, does it show. I can feel it. I feel his hatred toward me. I did things wrong, but nothing deserving of how I am being treated. It's incomprehensible to me. But then again, maybe I'm looking at this and thinking about it from the perspective of a little girl.

Unfortunately, I am finding the minds of a MLC'er are the only lost and unhappy souls.

Are they really that lost and unhappy?

Last edited by job; 02/28/17 06:50 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs