Today when W picked up the kids, she was a little chatty. Difference this time is, for the first time in 10 months she actually asked about me. Asked about my holidays, my work and my business trip. There was still stuff about her of course and I kept it short and only talked a bit about my work as I was heading out.
Hi all, it's been almost a couple of months since I was last on the board and sorry to see a number of new faces at the beginning of this ordeal..
Quick summary, BD was 14 months ago, separated a year this week. Very little interaction in the first 6 months of separation as there was still to much anger from both sides. Had the usual story of not happy, abusive, controlling, manipulative etc... wanted a divorce and off to her happy new life...
Last 6 months, there has been no movement towards a divorce, plenty of talk but little action. During this time I have read, had coaching, learnt so many things and have putting them into practice. Getting out to meetup groups, meeting different people from many different places and with it grown my confidence again. Kept the weight off from the BD diet, planning to do 3 half marathons this year after doing my first one last year. Learnt a lot about myself and W over this past year. Have no fear of this ending as I know there is a future beyond my W.
Situation right now is that I have started pushing her to end this and set me free, response is that she wants to go slowly and little steps at a time. I started this about 3 weeks ago when I suggested she come pick up stuff from the house she wanted.. She didn't come by, so I then organised a meeting at a bar to start going through it. W wants to make a list and put monetary value to the items in the house to make it fair..(the entitled angry W of a year ago seems to be gone). I had some sob stories about how she has been living without a clothes dryer for a year, yet was surprised when I told her she could take the cutlery, some chairs as I had new ones... She also complained that she had only her cell phone as tech... Yet when I ask her what she wants from the house, I get no answer...
I have since packed some stuff up and gave it to her, told her other things she can come take. Also told her that I would be replacing the bedroom furniture, so she can have that as I change it. She asked why, I told her that I wouldn't be starting a new relationship with our bedroom furniture. Have indicated that I have interest from other women (which is the truth, I just haven't acted on anything as I still want time on my own first) so if she is having extra marital relationships then she should do the decent thing and end this so I can explore the possibilities out there. It was after this that she has said she wants to go slowly....
W was in the house for the first time in a year, other than the couch and dining table, the room is completely different. Her piano is gone, I have a new TV unit, pictures on the wall, light fixtures and new chairs for the table. W said that the place looks nice...
I used to hate the term, take the time to get where you need to be but it is so true. I needed this, I needed the shock to my system and know it will keep me on the right path going forward. I have enjoyed making the house my home, for me and my kids.
Sad part to an extent is seeing W is pretty much the same as a year ago. Very little drive to better herself, hearing her about the dryer and phone spoke volumes. I have made my mistakes and got ill during the process of building our house. It has taken me a long time to accept that fact, that I had the breakdown I had and how much I hurt my family. It doesn't excuse my W's actions and it will be up to her if she take that responsibility. I do know that she was under a lot of pressure, she had a cancer scare, her father's health is declining and I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted that I was in my own survival mode.
However, I needed the space to recover, I wouldn't have done it otherwise. My current path is to continue to let her go and respect that wish she says she has. I have worked through my anger issues (always will be a continued work in progress) and have kept communication upbeat and civil with W. However, I have invited her to go to a climbing wall with the kids and me. S8 wants to go and I can't climb so have invited her along so we can all climb. She said she would have to check her schedule... but that it could be fun.
I have no expectations of saving my M, and am not afraid of loosing it or W. I can see a bright future for myself either way and am enjoying the path I'm on. It's not what I wanted or had thought of as a future but I will continue to push forward. If the paths cross again, I will take the time to consider it at that time, not before.
I will try and catch up with different posts and see how I can help over this week.
The most confusing part of my days is no understanding of why W hasn't ended this. A year ago she couldn't wait to move out and end this marriage, yet 15 months later very little has been done. She says she wants to take it slowly, small steps towards closure... I have been more on the lines of let's just get it done and both be free....
She doesn't want to talk about anything, has given me sob stories about how she hasn't had this or that for a year.... I just look at her thinking this is what she wanted, free and independent....
My gut feeling is she left me for the OM and he wasn't actually in it to be with her. She made a comment that there have been misunderstandings all round, however that old pride thing will keep her going....
My gut feeling is she left me for the OM and he wasn't actually in it to be with her. She made a comment that there have been misunderstandings all round, however that old pride thing will keep her going....
Some interesting events in this weeks past soap opera episode...
SIL facetimed me 'by mistake' at midnight last Thursday night. Said her kids were talking with their father and must have hit something by mistake... Our names are not close in the contact list
W texted to say she couldn't email me some things between my business hours (I have told her that all communication should be between 8am and 8.30pm, something a mutual friend told me W didnt't like) She used to be able to contact me any time day or night. I just ignored the text.
Emailed her asking for her new lawyers contact details, have had no response so far...
7 weeks ago I started pushing this forward, telling her since she doesn't want to be with me anymore that I have met other women that I'd like to be able to explore possibilities with and she has thrown up obstacles regularly and says she wants to go slowly with the divorce process....
5 months after the house evaluation, she is now talking about a 2nd opinion. I haven't done anything on the house as I'm waiting to get it into my name. We are now 15 months since BD, 1 full year of separation when a year ago she couldn't get out of this house fast enough and now she wants to slow it down....
She doesn't want to talk about anything without a mediator, heard this for the past 9 months.... nothing done.
Ok, going to throw out a question as I have had a couple of differing opinions.
Last week W was all friendly because she needed my help and she got stuck on holiday with the kids.. This week we have been back to the emotions blowing with the wind, W even told me that her emotions are all over the place.
Anyway, last night I had texted W to confirm the kids schedule would stay as is, her response was to ask if this weekend was hers with the kids or mine as she had lost track....
I replied saying that it wasn't my place to keep her updated with her schedule anymore.
For me, I'm trying to respect her 'independence' as she says she wants to be and letting her take care of her own s***. My Dad said I was being negative and unhelpful....
It apparent that your W is very confused and doesn't know how to make sense of her feelings and what is going on within her. It is inspirational to see where you are mentally and emotionally and it gives me hope. I have a question for you. I see how long you have been dealing with your situation but how long did it take for you to get to the place in your life where you are truly mentally ready to accept whatever outcome happens and at this point do you feel you could still welcome her back if she so decides that is what she would like?
Yes I believe my W is very confused, this has been mentioned by MIL and mutual friends. I even had a mutual friend tell me this week that he feels W is on the verge of a nervous/stress breakdown.
It took about 8 months of up and down to really accept and push on with things (I was also suffering from burn out after spending 2 years building our house). I think what also made longer for me is I took on hurt on behalf of my kids to see their mother so disconnected.
Getting out, meeting different people, joining different groups on Meetup etc is where it all helped. I have read so much over the past year but it only works if you put that stuff into action.
I think now, I still have that missing feeling but it's more the companionship than my W. As is said here, we can take our share and work on that and that's what I have done. I'm not afraid of losing her, there are other fish in the sea. As you get to that point, you will notice it happening without that feeling of acting as if. I have taken back control of myself, although that has caused the games and s*** from W to escalate... however I see it more and don't have that need to respond or react.
In terms of welcoming her back..... to be honest, I don't think I would. The work she would need to do on herself and the work she would need to do together, I just don't believe she has that drive or desire to better herself even for a greater good. I will always love my W but right now I don't believe in her. In a lot of ways, I would rather find someone that understands the give and take of a relationship than be with someone that is only about themselves.
