Hi all, it's been almost a couple of months since I was last on the board and sorry to see a number of new faces at the beginning of this ordeal..
Quick summary, BD was 14 months ago, separated a year this week. Very little interaction in the first 6 months of separation as there was still to much anger from both sides. Had the usual story of not happy, abusive, controlling, manipulative etc... wanted a divorce and off to her happy new life...
Last 6 months, there has been no movement towards a divorce, plenty of talk but little action. During this time I have read, had coaching, learnt so many things and have putting them into practice. Getting out to meetup groups, meeting different people from many different places and with it grown my confidence again. Kept the weight off from the BD diet, planning to do 3 half marathons this year after doing my first one last year. Learnt a lot about myself and W over this past year. Have no fear of this ending as I know there is a future beyond my W.
Situation right now is that I have started pushing her to end this and set me free, response is that she wants to go slowly and little steps at a time. I started this about 3 weeks ago when I suggested she come pick up stuff from the house she wanted.. She didn't come by, so I then organised a meeting at a bar to start going through it. W wants to make a list and put monetary value to the items in the house to make it fair..(the entitled angry W of a year ago seems to be gone). I had some sob stories about how she has been living without a clothes dryer for a year, yet was surprised when I told her she could take the cutlery, some chairs as I had new ones... She also complained that she had only her cell phone as tech... Yet when I ask her what she wants from the house, I get no answer...
I have since packed some stuff up and gave it to her, told her other things she can come take. Also told her that I would be replacing the bedroom furniture, so she can have that as I change it. She asked why, I told her that I wouldn't be starting a new relationship with our bedroom furniture. Have indicated that I have interest from other women (which is the truth, I just haven't acted on anything as I still want time on my own first) so if she is having extra marital relationships then she should do the decent thing and end this so I can explore the possibilities out there. It was after this that she has said she wants to go slowly....
W was in the house for the first time in a year, other than the couch and dining table, the room is completely different. Her piano is gone, I have a new TV unit, pictures on the wall, light fixtures and new chairs for the table. W said that the place looks nice...
I used to hate the term, take the time to get where you need to be but it is so true. I needed this, I needed the shock to my system and know it will keep me on the right path going forward. I have enjoyed making the house my home, for me and my kids.
Sad part to an extent is seeing W is pretty much the same as a year ago. Very little drive to better herself, hearing her about the dryer and phone spoke volumes. I have made my mistakes and got ill during the process of building our house. It has taken me a long time to accept that fact, that I had the breakdown I had and how much I hurt my family. It doesn't excuse my W's actions and it will be up to her if she take that responsibility. I do know that she was under a lot of pressure, she had a cancer scare, her father's health is declining and I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted that I was in my own survival mode.
However, I needed the space to recover, I wouldn't have done it otherwise. My current path is to continue to let her go and respect that wish she says she has. I have worked through my anger issues (always will be a continued work in progress) and have kept communication upbeat and civil with W. However, I have invited her to go to a climbing wall with the kids and me. S8 wants to go and I can't climb so have invited her along so we can all climb. She said she would have to check her schedule... but that it could be fun.
I have no expectations of saving my M, and am not afraid of loosing it or W. I can see a bright future for myself either way and am enjoying the path I'm on. It's not what I wanted or had thought of as a future but I will continue to push forward. If the paths cross again, I will take the time to consider it at that time, not before.
I will try and catch up with different posts and see how I can help over this week.
