Hi all, M-49, H-47 S1: 8 Married: 8.5 years Together: 9 years BD: 12/9/16 H moved out: 1/24/17
I just joined and this is my first post. I'm in a whirlwind trying to "play my cards right" while I'm also focusing on myself - and I would like your help! I have ordered the DR book and eager to receive and read it.
My husband dropped the D bomb on my 12/9/16, saying he is not in love with me and was never in love with me and that we have "fundamental differences", but he would not say what those are! I do not take it personally at all as I know now that he said that as a story he had to tell himself to lessen his guilt.(And, he said the same thing to his first wife when he left her). I know he was in love with me and still loves me today. Yes, I agreed with him though that I can see he is not "in love" with me right now. He assures me there is no one else and is not interested in anyone.
I requested he stay in our home through the holidays. We have an 8 year old son together. During that time I went to work on Me. I lost 15 lbs, became very interested in him, we reconnected on emotional levels and became sexually active again. For a while, it was going well. However, a month ago, he moved out into a apt he calls his "man cave". He told me that he is not 100% done, and that he needs baby steps. However, it seems as if he has pulled further away since moving out.
He took off his wedding rings, he said he wants to "step out of the marriage" to see if he feels a missing. He said he feels like a fraud in all areas of his life and he needs to wipe the slate clean, beginning with his marriage (me and our son). He has been failing at his business and struggling for the past 1.5 years financially.
Background: Second marriage for both of us. He left his first wife telling her, what? "I am not in love with you and never was." Yes, sound familiar? He met me when he is unemployed, struggling to find his groove in life...I picked him up and allowed him the oppty to start a business. He loved it. Then 1.5 years ago, we moved to the the East Coast, from the West Coast. He has started another business, a dream business, but it is SLOW going and frustrating to him. Well, things have gotten hard. Our son is no longer a baby. I took a $20,000 pay cut in my job. H is flailing at his businesses. Now all of sudden, H wants to walk away.
Last weekend, we attended my father's funeral - yep, my two strongest men left me in a matter of a short time - one by choice, then other not - both as suddenly. During the time out of town, he continued to be distant and aloof. At the funeral, he was affectionate, holding hands, arm around me, comforting. Immediately following the funeral, before we were out the doors - back to being aloof and distant.
He is out of town alone for a couple weeks - in order to prep our rental home to sell on the West Coast. During this time, I have some reprieve to "Go Dark". However, I ask myself is that the loving thing I should do - is that something I would be proud of myself doing? I just haven't gotten my mind wrapped around the good of that. My husband still is being friendly, but in that cool and distant way. He'll talk all day long as long as I don't bring up anything relationship, us, marriage, lessons learned - anything! about us or pertaining to us at all.
When he calls to say goodnight to our son, he just wants to speak with him mainly and I haven't spoken with him. UGH - please do I engage him with positive, witty banter or do I just ignore him unless he asks for me.
I really need to know how to "play my cards right". Thanks for reading and responding!!
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
