Thread #2 - Separating

[KevinIn]

My first thread, and the first leg of my DB journey is over. Read about my background by clicking here.

Now begins another experience I never imagined - separating from my wife.

On 2/17/17, we had a session with our marriage counselor. During this session, my wife said she just doesn't see any way to fix things. I remained calm, collected, and practiced DB techniques. Unfortunatly, the result was that we are going to find a mediator to walk us through a formal separation agreement. I told her to give me a week to process that info and i'd get back to her to talk about next steps.

Since that session, we haven't communicated much other than logistics regarding our kids. I was probably a little rude in some of my texts, but not too bad. I had a great session with my DB Coach, Chuck, who gave me some pointers.

I finally met with the wife yesterday, 2/26/17, to talk through the next steps.

Per my coaching session, my goal was to change her perspective of me - to say and do things she wouldn't expect. I think it worked, kinda.

When i got to the house, her wall was up, and she made a slightly rude / passive aggressive comment. I decided to let it go and not engage. Once our kids were out of the room, i asked her to join me on the couch to talk.

I started by confirming that the outcome from our therapy was that she wanted to find a mediator for separation. She agreed that was the next step. I then setup a DB opportunity and asked "Is there any room for compromise or other options?" She said no, to which i responded "Is that how you felt during our marriage when I wouldn't leave room for your opinion? If so, I feel your pain." I let that soak in, and she nodded her head that she felt that way. We sat in silent for several minutes after this. This was one of her issues that made her "fall out of love" - she felt it was always my way is the only way. So, this is a 180 technique to turn it on her. She wouldn't look at me, and instead looked at the ground and had a super sad look on her face.

I then did another 180 on her and said, "okay. then i want to make this as easy as possible on you and the kids. as such, i researched a few mediators in the area that i'd like you to look into" and i handed her contact info for them. This caught her off guard - i think she was expecting pushback or something different. Her wall fell down, almost instantly.

I then said that since i want this to be smooth, I went ahead and documented our average monthly spending so she can start getting a good idea of her budget, since i had traditionally taken care of finances. I handed her a sheet with the details and some graphs about our spending. This further took her off guard and let her open up even more. We talked about her finding an apartment and I offered to do whatever she needed from me to help (yet another 180, since she expected me to push back or be mean about it).

While i've been doing the LRT technique and completely backing off for over 3 weeks, my DB coach wanted me to try some 180s. I did. I think it worked.

After that, we chatted about the kids and other random stuff. She even laughed at one point, which was the first time i've made her laugh in 4-5 months. I then hung out with the kids for a few minutes and left the apartment.

Since yesterday, her texts to me about the kids/logistics have been much more friendly. That's at least a positive sign that we aren't going to go through our lives hating each other.

Now, its up to her to look at the mediators and get back to me on next steps. She's going to look at apartments this weekend.

In this thread i'll try to focus on what its like to work through the separation, the mediator, and the separation agreement. I'm not looking forward to this, but i'm hopeful it will present some Divorce Busting opportunities that I can take advantage of.

Thanks all for your support!! And thanks to my DB coach, Chuck, for the great guidance.