So Confused and Conflicted (3)

[WshIKnw]

Wsh,

What do you like to do for fun?

I used to be obsessed with programming, figuring out how video games work, and making my own modifications. I worked on bots for a video game. I thought AI was extremely interesting. But now I hate that hobby because it was such a big part of the reason my wife felt neglected. I haven't touched it all, since I first realized that something was very wrong in our relationship (BD). Spending so much time on the computer I feel like has caused me to slowly rot away. My forearms and hands are so skinny. I wish they were as easy to build up as my upper arms. I have no friends, except some online friends, that I'm not very close to. I made one friend, who is recently divorced, who desperately wanted to hang out with me and talk, but about as soon as I said okay, he started back tracking. Spoke on the phone with him once, and ever since, he's been tapering off his contact. Haven't spoken to him for a week now. I have no idea what happened with him. I don't feel like I was very whiny with him, but I didn't feel like I was very whiny on these forums, but all of you picked up on my desperation. I had everything I felt like I needed, with my wife. I had her, my best friend and lover, a great job with great income, a great house to live in, a great family, hobbies that I enjoyed too much, and a dog, and plans to have a family with her very soon. I felt like I had it all. I feel like when I lost her, about 60% of the good things in my life were lost. Now I'm trying to make friends, but I feel like I'm right back in those shoes I was in before I met my wife. I feel like there is something about me that makes me undesirable not only to ladies but to male friends. Maybe people are afraid I will bring them down. I think I could improve all of this if I got out in the sun more and exercised, lifted weights, and ate more, but it's the eating more that's so hard. I think if I could put on weight, it would greatly increase my confidence and happiness and physical attractiveness, and people would then want to be around me, especially if I cut my hair, perhaps. But I've always had such a poor appetite. It might be because I spend so much time on the computer. Now, instead of working on hobbies or having fun, I'm on the computer reading about my situation or typing posts on this forum. I also spend a large amount of time venting to my parents. Sometimes I type letters to my wife, but I pretty much never send them to her these days. It's hard to GAL when you have no friends. I have co-workers that I get along with great, but I don't feel like we would enjoy each other's company outside of work. I have long felt a lack of connection with most people in the world. But I felt like I had such a strong connection with my wife. I had so many of my eggs in her basket. She has truly devastated me by leaving me, and it makes me wonder whether she gives a d4mn about what happens to me at all. She really hardened her heart when she started going cold. She almost overnight went from a loving wife and friend to a bitter hateful demon. She made herself hate me. It was the only way she could deal with what she was doing. I can't believe she did it. Never saw this coming in a million years. It's so messed up.