2016, Thank you so much, I am not sure I deserve all that praise given how many times I have fallen on my face during this process. But I am glad someone can gain some positive experience reading my posts. Previously I had gone into old threads (I reset for most replies and paid attention to signatures for my research) and focused on the ones who gained what they wanted from the process. Interestingly the "success" stories were of both types, divorces and reconciliations. There was a larger reconciliation pool on the male DBers however. I puzzled over this until I realized males tend to be solution focused by nature and view DBing as a tactical guide. It was like reading war strategies then the guys got into the thick of it, entertaining and edifying at the same time.
ForGump, Honestly it has more to do with my own selfish desires. I want a nuclear family. I want a strong and healthy marriage and will go to the gates of hell for it. I have enormous flaws as does my WH and I have had to do a lot of painful introspection in this process. The fact of the matter is, I have very poor impulse control when it comes to feeling anger and I have to find a way to control it. I am still puzzling over this. Is this rug sweeping or piecing? Sometimes I am 100% sure we are heading towards piecing but then there has been NO talk of the affair or WH's atrocious behavior afterward. So I am left to kind of stumble along. I am in territory I have never been in before.
Journaling...so I continue to validate and do 180s. I have slacked off in the self care so I have to give myself a swift kick and get back in the saddle. I need to stop the excuses and get back to the gym. I need to keep reaching out to my friends who are the most loving and supportive. I need to keep my words soft so it will be easier to eat them. LOL I have another GYN appointment to schedule (3 months pap smears for a year and then 6 months for another year) to check if the HPV is finally gone. I sort of tripped up WH when telling him a joke a comedian said about men not using protection until a disease comes out that makes their penis explode upon insertion. I was giggling hysterically while relaying it but WH looked pensive afterward. Oops.
It is frustrating and upsetting that previously enjoyed jokes are not shadowed by WH affair. I wish the day would come (sooner) when he and I are not so easily triggered.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
But I am glad someone can gain some positive experience reading my posts. Previously I had gone into old threads (I reset for most replies and paid attention to signatures for my research) and focused on the ones who gained what they wanted from the process. Interestingly the "success" stories were of both types, divorces and reconciliations. There was a larger reconciliation pool on the male DBers however. I puzzled over this until I realized males tend to be solution focused by nature and view DBing as a tactical guide. It was like reading war strategies then the guys got into the thick of it, entertaining and edifying at the same time. 
