Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

This morning W came to the house to collect S10. She arrived sat down the three of us watched a few minutes of TV, she and I talked about Inauguration ceremony, various other topics i.e. the dogs, my parent's health, S16, our neighbors, our ongoing basement renovation etc. Then S10 gathered his things and they left after almost an hour. This past summer when she collected S10 on Saturday mornings, she was in and out of the house in 10 min.

Earlier this week S16 commented to me that he was seen his mom more in the past few weeks then he has in months. As you know, she has been at the house and joining us for meals out, movies, aka - taking a more active role in the family.

D21 had seen and spoken to her mother 0 times between June and October aside from a few text messages. D21 reached out and took her mother out for dinner in late Oct. They have been out together 2 or 3 times since then.

This reminded me of the story of Randy in the DB book (page 180). Randy had implemented LRT and noticed that his W was "lingering" when she dropped off his son, she was taking an interest in Randy, they were spending time together as a family. Randy's story ends with the family on the verge of reuniting in their home.

Clearly there is some change in W. It may have nothing to do with me. Perhaps another man turned her down, maybe she got some bad news from the Dr, maybe the stress of the new job is getting to her, etc, etc. I don't know and for sure she is not telling.

Yes, Rose - I did do a temp check and it was cold. Still - she has been more receptive to me in the past few weeks then she has been in months. So maybe not ice cold - just cold.

Am I doing what's working no idea? I struggle with the idea that I'm controlling by being unpredictable and "producing results".

Yes, I'm sure that what I've written makes me look like a mad scientist plotting and scheming to get W to come back. TBH, I am substantially less "obsessed" then when I came to the DB site in Feb 2016.

I certainly feel more confident and ready to face the world if W moves ahead with D.

I guess the questions are:

1) Is there a change in her or am I dreaming

2) Should and how should I support that change? I can't believe it would be bad for my sons for their mother to be playing a more active role in their home.

3) Is what I'm doing right for the R or will it prove to be damaging? I can tell you that it's great for me. Out of necessity I've conquered more in the past 13 months then I have in the past 6 years.

[bigybiz]

Updates:

Saturday am - W is lingering in the house as she picks up S10. She asks about my 80+ year old parents (They've been quite ill). I asked her if she wanted to visit - no answer.

Sunday eve. I'm gathering up the boys to visit my folks. I called W and asked her if she'd like to join us - she said Yes. We drove over and picked her up, had a short visit and dropped her back.

Tuesday evening comes I get home to find she has made dinner, baked muffins, bought S10 a few items he needs, bought one or two grocery items for the house. We have safe conversations - nothing personal - very high level. I temp check - still cold.

Something is different with her - 0 expectations on my part.

I'm slowly dialing back my "I can do it without her position". Coach has given me two mandates:

Address her unmet needs

Don't let her get stuck in the victim mentality.

It sounds easier than it is - any ideas?

[Gordie]

Coach has given me two mandates:

Address her unmet needs

Don't let her get stuck in the victim mentality.

It sounds easier than it is - any ideas?

What are her unmet needs?

What keeps her in victim mentality?

[bigybiz]

Gordie:

Thanks for your post.

To keep it simple I would say her unmet needs are - coming from the hard heart of a WAW/WW are:

Intimacy, Safety, Security, Support

Early on after the BD the coach said to me that W is getting her strength from playing the blame game. That was an ongoing theme through every R talk we had. Everything is my fault.

Even during the early days of separation her decision to move out was totally a result of me. So she portrays herself as the victim and the martyr. She moved out so the kids could stay in the house..., she has to live in a crummy basement apt because she has to support our household, etc. She has chosen not to move ahead with divorce, asset division, etc

It sounded easy when the coach said don't let her get stuck. They suggested statements like "I mean you no harm"

I'm not sure how to bring it all together.

[sandi2]

How do I temp check? I’ve asked her if she would like to “join me” watching a TV show we used to both enjoy, I was turned down. Any ideas on how to temp check?

So Sandi2 and everyone else – how do I continue to work on myself and allow her to re-enter her life? As I’ve said, I see some changes – I think they are a good thing. I’d love some practical suggestions - I promise not to go overboard.

I do not encourage temp checks. Temp checks is an action taken by the WW/MLC, which is not authentic. They temp check, not b/c they desire the LBH or want to reconcile.....but for their own selfish motives. As soon as they get a reading on the temp....they immediately return to their waywardness or MLC. So, that term, "temp check" should not be attached to the LBS, IMHO.

BTW, I get what you are asking. However, your W can see or feel those "ideas" as pressure. I caution you about taking her emotional temp. This could be a subtle, or unintentional, attempt to control a part of her life. IDK, I'm just trying to get you to let go of the control handles. Like, when you say something about how can you allow her to re-enter "her" life. I assume you are referring to her easing back into the MR? That is something YOU should not try to create for her, IMHO. B/c she needs to work through her issues, and if & when she wants to re-enter into the MR, she will let you know the desires of her heart.....if she is being genuine, and it's not like the last time.

You can still have hope that the MR will reconcile, but I think you really need to let go of the rope you have around her. That rope is the reason you have not been able to detach. You need to stop measuring your every action by how much it affect your W. I think your "to do" list and other things began with you proving to her that you could change and you could do the work. Better yet, you could do your work and hers, and do it without her help. As you checked off your list, you would ask for more ideas from the board. I thought maybe that was how you were geared. In your endeavor to show her how capable you are, it kept your focus on her reactions.

My advice is to stop trying to create some scenario where you can determine her emotional feelings about the MR. Neither should you try to weigh every action with some punitive result in mind.

Stop posting how the kids are mad at her or they don't really want her to move back home. That feeds your self-righteous side (and most of have a little self-righteousness). It could appear just a little smug, that the kids love you more than their mom. This is not a competition in who is the best parent. At some level, I think you rather like a competitive feel.....but this should not be the undercurrent that resides within you when it comes to your relationships, especially the spouse and kids. Stop trying to beat her at winning.

Sometimes I get this mental picture of you giving your W difficulty when she wants to meet, or see the kids, or whatever. If she makes a habit of wanting to change things around or have her way all the time, then that would fall under manipulation.....and perhaps it's your way of not allowing it. If there really is a legit problem or issue where you can't cooperate with her request ...then of course, pull back on the reigns. Don't be contrary just to give her a hard time, or make her pay for leaving the M.

Start focusing on yourself as an individual.....not, as a H. How are you doing with GAL? What do you do that has absolutely no connections to your W? Go about living your life and stop focusing on her, and/or how to get her to do certain things. It is up to her to figure out how she feels, and how to get back into the life she once had with her family. If she does the right thing, she'll discuss it with you and ask you what it will take to reconcile the MR. If she doesn't....and she acts as if she's trying to wiggle her way back without doing anything differently, then stop her.

Now you said you would not go overboard, so I hope you will stay balanced with what I am saying.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Thanks for your post. I appreciate everything you say and act on it accordingly.

For the record - it was W that did not want to meet or discuss the "running" of our family with me. At first I tried to be business like - prepared an agenda, gave her options, etc. When I had to nag her etc. I said stuff it. I made every decision and did not consult with her. I'd wait till she brought it up. I was NC/dark.

Yes, when she came over I was aloof and distant. At times when she tried to get in on the "fun or interesting" stuff I shut her down. IMO - you have to do the grunt work, paying, etc to get the benefits.

Temp checks - Understood that's scratched off the list

GAL - I would give myself an A+ on GAL - I've learned new skills cooking, baking, gardening, etc- because I had to - but new skills are good no matter what - agree/disagree? I'm way more involved it the kid's school, D21 and I are a little closer. I've taken the house from a bunch of unfinished projects to killer curb appeal, updated the furniture, etc a major reno underway, etc. So the above are related to W.

For myself - I'm in better physical shape then most men. I'm lean, slim and a little ripped.

I've made new friends, updated my wardrobe, taken up new hobbies, motorcycle riding, guitar lessons, etc.

Aside from not dating and being in charge of everything in my house - it's a very different BigyBiz then when I arrived her 11 months ago.

Footnote: The Canadian winter and my recent illness of my senior citizen parents has severely changed how I spend my time in the last few weeks. So my GAL needs to get back on track. Stay tuned.

I'm quite proud of where I am.

I get its' not my job to punish her etc.

I read your advise about trying to manufacture a situation where I can influence her - I get that and I don't do that. I am guilty of showing her that we are moving on without her. I will stop trying to rub her nose in it.

I will not be available to her. She often thinks I should "switch" days with her because she has something better to do then be with her kids on certain days. I tell her I'll cover that day for her in return she then owes me a day. That allows us to go away for weekends etc. This makes her angry.

I won't switch with her because she wants it.

Now that I'm strong(er), confident, etc and I realize that my actions may not save my marriage but could save my life - what is the DB/LRT response now that there has been some changes in W. She is friendly, engaging, cooperative, lingers around the house etc.

From DB, DR, LRT videos etc - I'm supposed to encourage her change. Invite her to family events, etc Is that right? Wrong?

[sandi2]

For the record - it was W that did not want to meet or discuss the "running" of our family with me. At first I tried to be business like - prepared an agenda, gave her options, etc. When I had to nag her etc. I said stuff it. I made every decision and did not consult with her. I'd wait till she brought it up. I was NC/dark.

Well, if you are managing the household and she is not interested in discussing it once a week.....I suggest you stop being the one who calls for a meeting. She left that all behind her, and seeing you with prepared agendas and updating things you have done or planning.......might have been an unpleasant event for her, IDK. I just couldn't see the need to have an face to face meeting every week. I can see from her end, but looking at your end it resembles a LBH who wants the opportunity to show her how the home is running smoothly without her. Anyway, if I am off, then I'm off and it's okay.

I will not be available to her. She often thinks I should "switch" days with her because she has something better to do then be with her kids on certain days. I tell her I'll cover that day for her in return she then owes me a day. That allows us to go away for weekends etc. This makes her angry.

If you have made solid advanced plans for the day she wants to switch, then just tell her. Don't play around while she's waiting for an answer......checking your calendar.....thinking of something you could do on that day......b/c that is showing a contrary spirit. Don't refuse to answer the phone when you see it is your W, and pretending you were just to busy to respond....when you know good & well she is waiting for an answer. Those type of actions at this point of the stitch, simply stirs anger. It certainly woud stir mine. Just give the woman an anwer without reqiring her to scratch and claw for it. Do you see what I mean, or have I confussed you? Don't go overboard either way.

Now that I'm strong(er), confident, etc and I realize that my actions may not save my marriage but could save my life - what is the DB/LRT response now that there has been some changes in W. She is friendly, engaging, cooperative, lingers around the house etc.

Three steps in the LRT: 1. Stop the Case 2. Get a life 3. Watch and wait. Then notice, MWD says when you sense a real commitment (from your spouse) to working things out you can follow the steps in her program....and you can also find a solution based therapist.

I think the key is commitment to working things out. IMHO, it is difficult for you to watch and wait, b/c you want to do-do-do. Sometimes it is not about the H's "doing".

[bigybiz]

Well the last week has been status quo.

She has been spending her parenting time here. She makes a meal, I join them, etc. Most of my GAL has been focused on the basement renovation project and taking care of my parents - so I'm home more than I have been in months.

On Saturday's she comes to the house, lingers a little then packs up S10 and drops him back Sunday am.

Sometimes she tells me/us a little what she is up to. I don't tell her about what I'm doing and she does not ask. Our conversations are not deep - but more personal then what they've been in months.

So now what? Yes, I always want to do something. I think that's one of the features I like about MWD strategy is that you are doing things differently and taking action.

I personally love the story of the 70 year old lady who took off her shirt at dinner...

I understand that if I'm only taking action that pushes her buttons and or wanting to cause a reaction then that can be seen as controlling.

If my actions are genuine and producing benefits for myself and/or my family - is how she responds her problem? I've given this some careful thought after Sadhub's recent post.

I'm now doing things I've wanted to do and have been stopped by her in the past or taken over for her in the family/community.

I don't make her scratch or claw. I don't trade days with her. If she has someplace better to be then with her kids - I cover for her and I ask for lieu time from her. I use those lieu days for weekends away or holidays, etc. I don't see that as being contrary I see it more as business like. It has to be in both party's benefit right? I won't trade with her because she wants me to.

Yes, there has been no commitment from her to rebuild the MR. There have been small changes in her.

I'm still driven by the notion that I can save my marriage even if I'm the only one who wants to save it.

[bigybiz]

It's been a weird couple of weeks. W has been spending more and more time here at the house. She's gotten involved in the home renovations, helping with the housework, etc. etc.

This reminds me of some of the examples in the DB and DR books. Perhaps, I'm getting hopeful - on the other hand there truly is a change in her.

We are getting to a big completion point in the renovation. I'm looking forward to that taking a back seat for a bit.

[WillDo]

Has she gone to live with OM? Are the kids still with you?