my wife can't decide (II)

[Vanilla]

Will

Let's just chat about boundaries. There is a wonderful thread here on boundaries.

Firstly a boundary is about you and what you can and will do. It is laying out consequences which you can enforce. In no way is it saying how another acts thinks or behaves. Consequences have to be enforced otherwise the boundary is just a dotted line on a map.

Al Turtle writes an amazing essay on boundaries mainly for young teenagers, it was the way I learned to have and enforce boundaries. I understood it from his writing.

If I may I will give you an example from my own experience.

At the time WH was not even a STBEXH and I was DB for my M

The following is a combination ofor phone calls and texts.


V: (T) I can't find the location of the bar I am supposed to pick you up from. Can you give me directions please.

WH: (T) you are so stupid that you can't follow simple directions? It's obvious where I am. I will call you

V: (Call) I am at Xy. Where is that in relation to the bar please?

WH: (Call) you are thick and idiotic, how the f... do I know? I will ask around and see if anyone knows that location.

V: (Call) OK.

WH: (Call) You are so thick that you don't know where you are. F.....g stupid woman.

V: (Call) Please do not swear at me.

WH: (Call) I will say what I want you fat bitch.

V: (T) if you swear at me again, I will put the phone down and cease to task to you. We will communicate only by text.

WH: (T) Suit yourself. I will get a cab back since you are refusing to collect me.

V: (T) I still don't know where the bar is.

WH: (T) P.... off.

V: (T) OK. From now on its text only communications.

WH (Call much later) goes to answerphone where are you? I am still waiting to be collected here. You stupid......

V: (T) Text only. I am no longer answering your calls. If you swear at me again then I will wait two hours before answering any textsuggestions in future.

WH: (Call to answerphone) it is obvious you don't give a f..... about me and are playing games so I have to walk home or spend money on taxis. You are hateful and selfish.

V: (T two hours later) I have now blocked your calls for one week. If this abuse continues I will do so for two weeks.

WH: (T) are you collecting me or not?

V: (T two hours later) I will collect you from z at 12:30. I will wait for fifteen minutes only.

WH: (T) I don't know if I will be there or not.

V no further response turns up at z collects a very drunk WH.

Eventually since the abuse continued I ended up blocking all calls and only responded to texts after 2 days.

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The boundary, I will not be abused was enforced by withdrawal of contact. In other words, you warn of the boundary and the consequence before you enforce.

My boundary with the Giggalo is still I will not be abused and if he does then I will have another non molestation order or a cease and desist.

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So in your sitch your boundary seems to be about what your WW says in front of the children? Can you explain to me exactly the behaviour or words you don't like? Ie define the boundary.

What are the consequences of infringement?

How would you enforce the boundary?

V