An MLCer who left a marriage will experience changes to the practical and emotional dimensions of her/his life. The practical dimension might include things like more money to spend, enjoying new home, and having less responsibility with kids -- to speak of positive changes only. The positive changes in the emotional dimension might include things like feeling more freedom and more excitement with new lovers.
I imagine that when some of those above things turn negative -- for example, instead of feeling more freedom, they feel lonely; or instead of feeling infatuated with a new lover, they become disappointed and disillusioned w/ the new lover -- that's when they might start to think about the LBS. "Hm, maybe I made a mistake...."
My question is this: it seems to me that when the EMOTIONAL things go bad for the MLCer, they might start to regret what they've done. But when the PRACTICAL things go bad for the MLCer, it probably won't make them regret -- instead they'll just resent the LBS for giving them a raw deal in life.
Do you think that's generally true? Will an MLCer really think about returning to a marriage because, gee, it sure was easier to pay the bills, keep the house clean, mow the lawn and fix our appliances when I was married?
I'd appreciate any thoughts, however speculative.
FG, this is a very interesting perspective that you bring up. I can see where you are going with it and it does make sense. I can try and think about it in my sitch, but I don't feel that I can generalize that same concepts to others. Also I don't see how they are mutually exclusive in that you can give more weight to one over the other, as both have an affect on the other and compound it.
When my H left for OW, he was essentially running from his life--the "emotional" side and the "practical" side (per your descriptions). Things were hard emotionally for him as he suffered from Nice Guy syndrome and felt unappreciated and empty, we had multiple family stressors/losses, and I was not able to meet him where he was at (thus adding to him feeling run down). In terms of the practical, well things were very hard with our children, parents, jobs, financial stresses, however he also feared having to face that all alone.
When he left, he had a very short lived period of relief from both. He does say now that he was plagued the entire time with guilt (for hurting everyone) and feeling like a failure for giving up and not working on the hardships. It was his entitlement (ie Nice Guy not meeting his own needs and blaming me) that justified his leaving. Then when he left and started dating her, my hurt/anger/lashing out started, which only reinforced why he left. So round and round it went.
He soon realized that the issues he had with OW were the same with me, which forced him to look at himself. He all along questioned their R, as he knew something was not right--he knew he was running to her for security and validation, and that she was not a person he would have ever been with had the circumstances been different. So he further started to miss me, beyond the guilt of hurting me. He also saw how much he hurt the children when he broke apart our family. He didn't have much support from family/friends either, because they all knew he was making a mistake.
The practical side was also very difficult. He was living at his parents, as an adult with a W and children, and had to commute further to work. He saw the kids at our house sometimes and brought them to his parents some of the time, which was very difficult. Then he had to balance seeing OW at her place (she left her H at the same time but got her own place). She became increasingly insecure and needy and that took a toll on him. She wanted to spend more time with him, wanted him to plan things, wanted to go on vacations, and even wanted to live together and get together with our kids (even though they all knew each other!). He didn't want to live with her or combine families, and he knew logically it would not work. So it was difficult situation logistically, which also made the emotional aspect more difficult.
So in my sitch it was both and one constantly affected the other, and he eventually went on a downhill spiral and hit rock bottom. In the meantime I started to give up on the idea of him and planned a life without him. I also stopped spewing and got better at DB.
I had brought up similar questions with my IC when he was gone and with our MC when he first came back. I wanted to make sense of it all and I am sure you all do too. The best I learned is that there are as many differences in our sitches as there are similarities. It is very difficult to predict the tipping point for leaving the M and for returning to the M. What I gather reading here is that a lot of WAWs in particular have been suffering for years and the H is oblivious to how serious things are. By the time H loses her, then he is motivated to make changes, however it is often too late and she is completely checked out.
In terms of waywards, well I think it depends on if the S was at risk of walking away and then found the A, or if the S found the A and then left to pursue OP. In the case of my H, he would not have left if there was no OW. She worked very hard to pursue, manipulate, and flatter him. He was extremely vulnerable to this (and most likely it could have been with someone else too) and so he ran. He ran and learned that everything was crumbling--emotionally and practically.
I am not sure that helps. I do think there are some differences between my H and the S's I read about here. In terms of MLC, well I don't know how much I believe that. One could argue that my H was in a MLC just as well as I could argue that he was not. I think we like to find commonalities and labels because it MAKES US FEEL comfortable and hopeful. It takes the pressure off of us and helps us understand the why. In reality, we may never completely understand why. There are still things about my H (and what he did) that I don't understand. Equally, there are things that he doesn't understand about what happened either. He never thought he was capable of any of this and he still is ashamed that it happened.
So what it boils down to for all of us is that we will never completely understand why they do what they do. We can't know if they are having a MLC because we are not them and we are not in their heads. It behooves us far more to focus on what WE CAN control, and that is ourselves. Also, as you become the stronger, more confident, and "better" version of you, then consequently you are more likely going to attract them back. All of this takes a long time.
I know this is hard. You will get there eventually. But you have to take that first step and just let go.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
