Thought I Was Ready For This

[HopeRB]

Hey Everyone,

So I've been away from the boards for quite a while b/c it got too intense and I became way too obsessed with repairing a marriage with someone who didn't/doesn't want to instead of going out there and rebuilding my life. I actually just came across another poster's comment that pretty much sums up the way I've felt in that time:

Things changed the most for me when I was away from the boards and not obsessed with my sitch. It is an amazing feeling to know that things are going to turn out alright no matter the outcome with my W. As a matter of fact, I had accepted that my M was over and life was still going to be beautiful.

And life is indeed beautiful. I learned how to stand on my own two feet without waiting to see what everyone thought I should do. I barely asked my husband for help with anything - I did it all on my own. I went out into the world and I am making mistakes, taking leaps, traveling, getting confident, bold, networking, joining new clubs, meeting new people, flirting, creating the person I've always wanted to be... all while being separated for about 1 year and 7 months.

In that time, I did everything I could to save my marriage and then I stopped. I just stopped. I gave up trying to convince this man, gave up trying to change for him. I did all the aforementioned things for ME! And it feels great.

So, why do I still break down in tears after my husband has just told me the he started the paperwork??! What prompted me to get back on the boards and seek support when I thought I was strong and able to deal when this day came? Why am I not the Wonder Woman I thought I'd be when he finally said, "I've started the process."?! He requested to get together last night and I obliged and he took me to dinner and it was very emotional. We laughed, cried and held each other as he wiped my tears telling me, "This is happening." A small note- we've been seeing each other on and off during our separation so this isn't the first time we've had this sort of meet-up.

So whats wrong with me? I'm not 100% healed by any means but why haven't I accepted that my marriage is over? I told him about all the sh*t he put me through during this time - the money, the moving, the mental anguish. I didn't hold back bc he deserves to know. I've done all of that and all he can say is, "I'm sorry, I know you don't want this but this is the reality."

I guess the reason I came here today is to see if someone would please give me a quick jolt of reality to get me back to being ok. I think I'm also feeling hurt bc I'm not the one who cheated and walked out and yet I have no say in this. We live in NY, have no kids or assets and as far as he's concerned, I'm on board and not contesting. And I've been crying all night and morning thinking to myself, what dog do I have in this fight anymore? Me contesting would be an exercise in futility, right?!


Me: 32
Him: 31
Married: 12/11/11
Separated: 8/15

[LITB]

Would it be fair to say that you might have been led to believe that there was some hope given that you have been spending time with him? That's my guess and it would be understandable.

Based on your post, you have experienced a tremendous amount of growth. This is another step in the process. You have done great. Believe it. It's your time to get back on track knowing that your H is moving forward with the D.

Right now, he doesn't deserve you in his life. He has a lot of his own work and growth to go through. Until that happens, you have to believe that you deserve better, because you do.