For those who are following along, the last entry on my previous thread promised details of my non-date date, so here is how it went.
I walked to his house and he drove us to the car park (I let s20 where I was going to be), it was 8am when we got there, the sun was just coming up over the cliffs. The walk there was fantastic, we chatted and the sun caught different parts of the cliffs which made them look dramatic. There was a curved part which acted like an amphitheatre and you could hear the waves in the walls, it was a very special moment.
We walked to the end and up to a hut for a short break,it was good to stop and by then my hips were beginning to ache. Conversation flowed, but it was me who was starting it off, once he got chatting he was happy to chat. We laughed, he made jokes and it was light, I felt comfortable – although the “wtf is this” hung over me.
We then continued upwards to the gannet colony, it was cool although not as dramatic as I had imagined. By then I was starting to really ache and we had the prospect of a 2hr walk back.
Walking back was a bit quieter, I was starting to be in real pain and struggling to make conversation, it marred the trip in the end. I noticed he was hobbling but not saying anything. We eventually got back to the car, 5hrs of walking, both tired and yawning, both aching. He drove back slowly, concentrating on the road, we went back via his old house so he could show me where he used to live. He asked about stopping for an ice cream, but I just wanted to get home so said thanks but not for me.
I had a lovely time and if it had not been for the pain it would have been a very special walk. It was ambitious for me being so unfit these days and I am now paying the price by being stiff and sore lol. Something to eat, drink and a nana nap has helped.
What today has shown me is that:
I did not feel any desire of the romantic nature toward him or connection, just friendship.
Red flags went up about him and he to me is not a future romantic prospect and wont give me the life I want for myself. I feel I would be a fixer and compromising on what I want out of a relationship and in a person.
I could have done that walk on my own and been just as happy, if not more so as I could have stopped and looked for shells and treasure and done it a slower pace.
I am happy being on my own, content in my own company. It took me doing something with someone else to find this out.
What also came out of this day was as I was walking along all I could think was “h would love this – the amphitheatre, the scenery, the walk.” I missed him, I missed how he was with me, how we were together.I miss the chatting and jokes, the comfortableness we have around each other. We were so comfortable, even after he did BD2, for the 2 weeks after, it was strained but I felt safe and ok around him.
It has shown me that I am far from over him and not ready for anyone else to be in my life. I am not sure that I will ever feel the connection I have with him with anyone else and so for now, whilst I will get on with trying to enjoy my life as much as possible, I continue to hope that one day he will come out of this and feel differently about me, he will find the all-important lost feeling.
So to the title of my thread.
Summer of Love, treasures and a pop up tent. This summer (as we are coming to the end of summer here) I have learnt and grown so much. It took today for me to see just how much.
I have spent time on myself, giving myself the love and attention I need and deserve. I have become comfortable with being on my own, doing things that makes me happy and not doing it to please those around me. I have looked at what I want from a relationship and am resolute and strong in not compromising for the sake of having someone in my life.
I have been nurturing my soul and spirit, nurturing it by my renewed fondness for treasure hunting on beaches, finding joy in discovering new places and dreaming of trips I can take with my new freedom.
I have found courage and bravery to try new things and not be afraid to step out of my comfort zone, buying a pop up tent for some new adventures, I hope it arrives soon
Thank you to all of you who continue to read along, support me and are coming along for the ride.
