Needing Some Guidance 2

[sandi2]

I have realized that I have walked on egg shells around my wife trying to avoid fights because of her easy to anger personality.

IMHO, this is b/c of the nice-guy syndrome, which is extremely common in our LBH population on the board. If you have not read about nice-guy syndrome, you can google it and read a free download. FWIW, I started a thread on the subject, called Sandi's Reflections.

Unfortunately, there are women who control/manipulate others (H, kids, relatives, friends) with their anger, fits, rages, moods, etc. Her family is conditioned to walk around on eggshells and thinking, "Don't make wife/Mom upset or there will be hell to pay". I can't even imagine how awful it would be to live every day of my life in that environment, trying to convince myself that it's not that bad, and making excuses for my spouse. I have a BIL who controls his family in the same way. His W & kids tiptoe around him, trying to keep him in a tolerable mood. Life's just too short to live that way.

I like your goals and how you are doing things for your own sake, and rewarding yourself. This is the time to be your own friend and treat yourself well. I think a lot of men with nice-guy syndrome have centered their time, energy, and focus on their WW.....until they don't realize they are losing a part of themselves. Marriage and family are vitally important, and I don't want to imply otherwise. I am saying if you sacrifice everything that makes up YOU, in order to appease a demanding & controlling spouse.......is that really healthy for you and your children? Have you become someone you no longer recognize b/c you were so focused on your spouse's temperament? I think you are setting goals to break that "conditioning power" and rediscover who you are as a man.

Do you have any GAL activity that puts you out there among other men? I guess what I mean is...do you have male friends that share the same interest/activities?

Another personal goal is to command respect.

You can do it, too! I suggest you start with how she speaks/treats you in front of your children. It is so important that children respect their father, and if they do not see their mother respecting him.......why should they? And, the same behavior is often replayed in their own M's one day.

Don't bite off more than you can chew. Don't try to "force" her to show respect. She has that choice......and you have the choice of what to do if she doesn't show respect. You can call her out about it, and you set boundaries, but do not get into a showdown in front of the kids. We can discuss more about the respect factor, later.

Don't engage when she throws a tantrum. If she does this in front of the kids, I would immediately get the kids and go for a drive, and leave her alone. Don't reward her bad behavior.

So then as far as my next boundary, she always says when she goes out that if she doesn't text or call me, that I should text her. I haven't done this, because my thoughts are she is the one that needs to prove something to me. But if it happens again, I plan to tell her it is disrespectful, and to protect myself I she should plan to stay away from the house for the rest of the next day.

Here's the thing......she is acting out. She is conducting herself as if she doesn't have a H at home. She wants to play as if she's single, and has no concerns about how it makes you feel. So, she is self-centered and she does not respect you.

Second thing......she has either agreed to be transparent, or didn't agree. If she actually agreed to it, then she is playing you. If she was a remorseful W who wanted to save her M, she would not be "out" so much. You are right, it is her responsibility to prove she can be trustworthy.......and she does it through transparency for as long as you need. Did she agree to it? If so, have you explained what was required from her? If you have told her, and yet she plays this cat & mouse game.......what will you do next? Don't wait till the next time to tell her she's disrespecting you.

A big personal goal is to stop spying. I have 10 days sober on that.

Okay, it is good that you are not addicted to spying on her 24/7. Some people can handle what they find, and others cannot emotionally deal with it. You are responsible for protecting your emotional health. When a cheating spouse is supposedly following a transparency plan......verification is necessary. Why? B/c cheaters lie, and you cannot trust her word alone. That is why transparency is so important to both spouses. She is earning your trust, and you are given assurance. However, trust should not be given to a cheating spouse without proof to back up their words. Verifying means to make sure or demonstrate that something is true, accurate, or justified. You don't have to go to great lengths, and you don't have to monitor her phone/computer daily. In order to know the truth, you will need to look at her messaging activity from time to time. If your W is not being truthful, it will show up sooner or later. She should not have notice of when you decide to take look at her texting activity. You don't have to discuss where, when, or how you obtained your information. If she has nothing to hide, it should not bother her if her H verifies for himself.

As for staying away from her a day.....I'm not sure it's strong enough to let her know you are serious about not tolerating this type of treatment from her. Staying away for a day could be seen as if you are pouting. I think she'll just play the text-chasing game while you are out.

I think you are getting stronger, and understanding this information much better. Don't give up, b/c I think you have a shot at changing the dynamics in your MR.