You asked me if I gave up hope and my answer is yes, I did. However when I gave up hope, I was incredibly heartbroken, anxious, and underweight from stress. My healthy and strong self today can see that there was hope and that there always is hope. Although my definition of hope has also evolved.
The hope that I gave up, was a hope that we could ever be together, be a family, and be happy again. Today, I can see clearly that that was me hanging on too tight and being afraid of being alone. The trauma of him leaving led to my false belief that I couldn't be okay without him.
Now I see that there is always hope. There is hope for all of you. The hope is that things will get better, we can have peace and joy in life, and that we really don't "need" anyone else to be okay in this life. 2016, you don't need this man anymore. You have all you need right now, you just can't see it with a broken heart.
So right now, I would encourage you to stop focusing on him and his every move. Stop focusing on if you did/said/reacted the right way. You are okay just the way you are! Please believe this about yourself.
He is choosing to leave. Let him. Let him go. Now, you get time to be the best you and best mom without him. Take your gift of time. Change your mindset. Let's start talking about your 180s, GAL, and DB efforts. I want to read about all your changes and postive steps and how you are finding a better you.
As you find this best version of yourself, you may not even want this man. But you cannot make that decision now, it's too soon. This takes a very long time. As your grow into the beautiful, strong, confident woman that you want to be, then you can re-evaluate your life and your M. If he still doesn't want a part of it, the he is the FOOL!
So let him go. You have no choice because he is gone. This is a gift he is giving you. It's time to slowly work on you---what are you doing, how are you changing, who do you want to be? This is how you learn to love yourself. Take your power back. Then and only then, can you revisit if you even want this man. A happy and strong you may not.
You can do this. Believe in yourself. Don't look back and don't try to measure success. When you have success, you will know!!!
You have a beautiful writing style. Have you thought about taking a class in writing? You mentioned you like philosophy, tell me more. What kind of work do you do? Tell me about your son, your friends and family,, and what makes you happy. Let's stop focusing on him and start here.
XOXO Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
