Newbie, need help with WAW!

[180Man]

As others have said, those notes are from a different time and place. Not useful now. While thinking of them may bring you temporary excitement, if you aren't careful it'll bring you nothing but pain...I say this because if you think that by trying them it will work, then you may be in for a painful lesson. Just be careful. Work on yourself and forget the notes.

Frankly - I disagree and think that they are quite useful as I think she has some good thoughts.

-Communicated better
So, what does this mean? To me, it doesnt mean it's time to run over and spill your guts. It means to communicate better...smarter. I think you should focus on more than just your words. This involves your listening skills, it involves your actions matching your words and mirroring her words. What can you do to communicate "BETTER"?

-Accepted their spouse's personality, looks, needs, and (some) behaviors & didn't try to change them
So....is there something you arent telling us about your interactions? How controlling would you say that you were in your M?

-Were happy people as being individuals as they are being a couple
In your first post, you said this: A little over a year ago I started to slide into depression. How have you fixed this?

-Could learn to give each other space
So do it. Now is a great time to give her space.

Yes, they are good thoughts. The info is old and from a different mindset. Should he make those changes in himself and become better at those things? Of course. But to do it in hopes of winning her back - just for that reason alone - is wrong, instead he should be doing it for himself...which would be better in future relationships with whoever.

Now, if he brought those up to her he may very well get a "too little, too late" response...or better...or worse. Who knows.

Well, I think you're both correct. Yes the information is old and from a different mindset, but I don't believe she would disagree with these ideas were she sitting here with us now. I don't think that they are necessarily something to "try out" on her like an experiment or that one of them may lead to reconciliation.

But I do think I should reflect on them, try to see how I might apply them to working on myself, and try to use them as guidelines, to some degree, when I am communicating with her.

As for the question on being controlling, I don't believe I was a controlling husband. There were aspects of our life where I guess I was controlling, for example, I didn't want her to get any more tattoos for many years. Only this last fall did I realize it wasn't fair for me to hold her back from that and I told her as much. I even went to the tattoo parlor with her and sat with her while she got a new one. Generally speaking though, we were very autonomous. I never demanded she be home at a specific time, I never questioned her whereabouts, I didn't tell her who she could or could not be friends with...nothing like that.

Sexually, we had some really amazing experiences over the years. But some of my OCD hangups caused her to feel, at times, that I wasn't attracted to her or thought she was gross. Maybe this is a reg flag, I don't know. We've talked about it since then and I've owned it. It's my problem, not hers. But there's not much I can do to change the past.

As far as depression, yes. I mean, the current situation isn't really helping, but I think all things considered I'm doing pretty well. I've been trying to GAL. Gym every day. Focusing on work more and trying to actually care about the stupid job I've been given. I've been spending more time with friends. I'm trying to find a good open-mic night around here so I can play some music in public again -- I used to have a band in college where we played the local bars, but I haven't played on a stage in nine or ten years. It would be a good thing for me.

So I'm probably not where I need to be when it comes to GAL yet, but I know I'm on the road there.