Thanks Kaizen. I appreciate the fact that you're trying to be helpful. I remember one time that the DB phone coach I talked to told me to treat her like my sister. I would invite my sister to a movie, and do her a favor if she asked me. I wouldn't be bothered by her actions unless they affected me directly, so I would not spy on her or give her the third degree about her whereabouts. I try to apply that concept as often as I can.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
So if I was asked to do things as 'friends', then I did it on my terms. Because of the boundaries that I set for myself got crossed, then I enforced what I needed for myself through my actions.
Could you give me an example of this? I'd like to understand the specifics of how you applied this way of behaving...
I guess my situation was a little different. I was physically separated from my ex before I found any of the DB information. But for me, at some point, I realized that I wasnt a babysitter and I didnt have to 'jump' any time I was told to.
So I stopped saying yes to every favor I was asked. I started doing what I wanted to. If I was free and wanted to do something fun with the kids, I did; if I had plans, then I didnt. One time my ex said "This [censored] that the kids are sick. I really cant take off work." and I validated, sure, but didnt offer to fill-in as babysitter if it was needed.
These are not great examples, I get that. My point is more that I stopped going out of my way to appease my ex. In your initial list, you said always treat your W with kindness. To me, that sounds like you are always going to be saying 'yes' to her, to do things that will make her happy. One of my greatest growth areas was learning how to say 'no'.
I get what you are saying, and that totally makes sense.
I'm all for making a stand, but in my case at least...it needs to actually be for a reason and not just the sake of my ego or to not feel like a doormat.
I'll give you an example...In a past life, I used to be in a position where we, the customer, would review a vendor's work before taking delivery. It was a highly regulated industry and there were both black and white rules and more gray "best practices" that we used for acceptance criteria. Some of my peers would reject things based on the most minor of issues - things like spelling errors, illegible entries and other minor issues like grammar from a non-english speaker. I, on the other hand, chose to take a more risk based approach...major issues were addressed, and minor issues were tracked but I usually let them slide unless they were pervasive. What I found was that while my coworkers would struggle to get anything fixed, I had little trouble because vendors knew when I sent something back it was because something was really wrong...I wasn't on some sort of power trip and was logical in my actions.
The point of all that is...saying no is important. But I think it should be reserved for when you actually don't/can't want to do something. It shouldn't be used to punish or teach your wife a lesson. That, to me, is the line between kindness and enabling.
