Newbie, need help with WAW!

[180Man]

Im having some trouble reconciling what you are trying to say/do. You say theres two different approaches, but, to me, they arent really mutually exclusive.

I think YES you should be validating and empathetic. This does not mean you have to agree with everything she says. This does not mean you need to solve her problems. This means you should listen to her, understand her, accept that her feelings are valid, and communicate that.

I also think that YES, you should be strong and confident. You dont need to be the man she fell in love with, you should be better than that. Youre armed with so much more knowledge now!

What was your DB coach's recommendation?

DB recommended validation/empathy and acting as her friend. Perhaps I can pull some quotes from Sandi's thread and try to show you what I am perceiving she is suggesting that would be contrary to validation/empathy...

Sandi would likely classify me as a "nice guy type," which is fair.

The nice-guy tells himself he's "taking the high road", but really, he is being passive and avoiding confrontation, or the issues. He won't call his W out, stand up to her, hold her accountable, or let her deal with the consequences of her behavior.

So about a week after discovery of her A, I had been reading a lot of eastern philosophy and looking for answers in the bible and was trying to find some enlightenment on anger. I didn't want to be angry in counseling, I felt it would derail any sort of productivity. I sat down and tried to explain to her how I was feeling about anger and why I was refraining from showing it in counseling. I read her a couple of quotes, such as...

"If we repay wrongs with kindness we put an end to revenge. If we repay wrongs with wrongs, revenge never ends" -Ta'ao Tao-Ch'ung

I am saddened at how many men continue to think everything will be okay if only he can persuade her to change her mind.

I guess I thought that in those six weeks of counseling we went through, if I listened and tried to understand her feelings and thoughts...and tried to explain and clarify when necessary, that it would bring us back to happiness. Apparently not.

Meanwhile....

Super Husband is stirring around like a busy little bee and smiling.........watching her to see if she is noticing all that he's doing for her and how happy he is to get to do it. What he doesn't know is if she gives him a thought at all .... This woman's heart is closed to her H. He could work himself down into the ground and it would have no affect on her feelings.

And it didn't/hasn't.

Everything is about her. She will step on whoever gets in her way of whatever she wants at the moment. She is a master of manipulation and will use every trick in the book to accomplish what she wants. Her desires are at the top of her priority list, and she believes it should be on everyone else's, too.

So what does a man do when his wife's heart is hardened and closed off to him? When all his nice-guy ways fail miserably, what is the next step? Well, from what I have seen in the majority of the nice-guys, their nature is to want to wait it out. WAIT IT OUT?? What exactly do they think will happen? Let me say this to all the nice-guys out there.......this is part of your problem in the MR. You are passive and you want to just wait it out about everything! You think things will eventually work itself out.

And this is where I come to the problem of giving her space. Yes, I do believe she needs time and space. She hasn't seen me in a month. We have had limited communication in that time. But she has asked if I'm willing to sit down with her and talk, I think refusing to go would be a mistake.

Which leads to this...

He is not
going to persuade her to give him another chance to prove how great he
can be. She is done, over, and out of the MR. She will not hear a
single word he says, as long as she has no respect for him. I don't
think LBH's truly get it, b/c they have this idea that they need to
show the WW more love. WHAT?? Read my lips........she does not want
you showing her how much you love her! At this point, that's the last
thing she wants.

These guys buy into some kind of fantasy
that if they become her BFF, she'll eventually fall back in love with
him. I know that is what the DB coaches recommend, and I try to be
respectful to them.

My DB coach has recommended treating her as a friend right now. When I sit down with her my DB coach has suggested I listen/validate/empathize. I think I agree with Sandi...

How does he get her respect? Well, it's not by being a softie.

And herein lies my problem. I feel like validation is going to be more of the softie approach.

Am I incorrect? Tell me how I can apply both methods? It would bring me great relief to figure out a way to blend both sides.