Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #9]

[JRuss]

This is a tough spot, FG. No way around it. You can't ever prepare for this, emotionally. Getting served, having the gavel come down. It's just bad and painful, because it's so real and final and in your face. Even if you've known intellectually for some time things were "over". But it will pass, the world will keep spinning, and your life is going to improve. I'm sure of it. And quicker than you think.

Re your child showing a lot of sadness (you mentioned that a few pages back, hopefully it's easing), I know it's hard to see, but what that tells me is you've raised a child who is comfortable enough and secure enough in his environment that (s)he can show his emotions. Not closed down, which is much more indicative of a problem, I think. It's actually really an appropriate feeling (sadness) to have when you think about it, and being able to express it suggests a child who is secure and knows there is support there, who doesn't have to bottle it all in. Adults do poorly when they have to bottle emotions up inside them; kids really, really can't deal with that.

Now for what I hope is some good news: I've been reading a ton about single dad/co-parenting stuff lately, and all of the data seem to suggest that what kids really, really need in these sitches is one parent who's all in, doing things the right way. Being kind, loving, patient, not bad mouthing the other spouse (this is big, even if it is deserved), but not being a parent who spoils or a pushover, meting out discipline when needed in a calm, fair, consistent way, etc. If they get that, what the data are showing is that they have no greater chance of having a bad result than a child who grows up in a happy, two-spouse, one home environment. And this is even if the other spouse ends up being a disaster of a post-divorce parent.

So we can give that to them! It's entirely in our control. Kids ARE resilient, if their dad is resilient. Be that for them, and they will be ok. You can make this happen. It leaps off the page in everything you write. I really think it will quickly become a huge source of pride for you, justifiably, and it (owning and bossing post-divorce fatherhood) will be your anchor and jumping off point for new personal growth, experiences and adventures.