It's adrenalin in your system and confusion leading from it. You are on high alert. It's horrible as a place to be.
This sounds so trite I know so, and its going to be ok. This is dissociative and cognitive dissonance. You doubt yourself and truly this will last a while. Let it unfold in time.
I confess I explored a lot of options myself as I too was driving away those who love and support me. I will suggest to you firstly your physiology needs extreme care. I mean extreme and extraordinary, likely that means a wonderful practitioner to discuss the options, including temporary medical help to rebalance your system. Each of us has special requirements and thus you need yours supported. That's fine.
My next suggestion is to consider complete NC, complete NC. To remove the addiction to the trauma, living on high alert is going to drive your physiology for a while. Truly it will. BIFF responses to a high conflict individual monitored by a third party or software, an interface if you will.
I would like to comfort you and say tomorrow is a new day and each of us has our own path and that would be trite and invalidating when you are hurting so much and confused. In my case it took 9 months before I reclaimed the MBR, and I am ok now. Truly I am fine in the MBR, it took time.
What I can say is that how you are and the doubts and confusion you have are all part of the recovery process, truly normal and natural. You aren't ill, an abuser or unstable, this is the way we feel after trauma. Each of us has our kind of reaction tailored just for us.
There is a part of this process called post traumatic growth which if you embrace it will become the time when you grow and develop unfold like no other time. Yes, I would rather that this didn't have to be, that DB had worked fully, that you and I weren't here communicating in this way. We are and I would wish no one have this trauma and that sadly is just a desire as we do.
I can tell you which is hard to hear that these dark days, dark nights of the soul are part of an awakening process of healing in which you can achieve such growth and change. Such personal power through the humility it gives you and in its self it is extraordinary.
This is as bad as it gets and little comfort today. You are an extraordinary woman, wife, mother and friend. That is you that I see and the core of you is intact, traumatised.
Breathe, calm and great peace.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
