2017 - New year - same MLC but I'm moving along

[Irish M]

Hi guys, thank you all for all the support.

I do not envy you one bit. She is definitely spinning and looking for a "If this happened would I be 'here'" type answer.

Hi Cali,
yes I got that as well from her as well. I don't envy myself either lol

I'll let her figure it out. She does seem more lucid but then again they are good at playing games.

I hear a lot of defending / blaming. I don't know the whole history of your sitch, she refers to your jealously twice. I don't know if you did anything wacky out of jealously or something. If not, the phrase "...and your jealously was born" feels like she's pointing a finger at you.

Hey Brubeck, the jealousy part, well she had a similar crisis over 10 years ago. Left, went manic, met an OM and 3 months later she came back begging. We just went on like nothing happened. But in my core , I had no more trust in her. As time went on and we got married, I did trust her. She earn my trust. Jealousy was gone. Then Mid life part 2 in 2015, a new OM, chatting up sites, I told her I won't accept it and she blamed it on my Jealousy.

So yes blame is still there in some part of her message. She is showing some remorse in we should of done this or that.

hmm, seems like she has a very good therapist that she respects. It sounds like the IC is helping her connect the dots to what happened 10 years ago so that hopefully she figures out those unlearned lessons.

Hi HaWho
yes it seems. Hope she continues. If i look back at the last time she said she was seeing a therapist was 5 months ago. So its good she is sticking to it. I hope for her she finds her way.

I think you have to take some time to figure out how you really feel here. You've said there's no going back for you. Does that also mean that there's no moving forward in a new relationship with Exw? Our old marriages are dead, so they say. How much of a sounding board do you want to be?

I'm reading a lot of what she's doing and saying. You aren't really talking about what this is stirring up for you personally. Maybe that's a choice. If so, sorry if I'm overstepping.

Hi Bttrfly xoxox hugs back at you. You, overstepping.. never :-) And if you wanted to you know you are very welcome to do so.

I haven't really stopped to think about me. Yes, that marriage is dead. There is no going back. I would purely be open to seeing my girls reconnect with their mom.

I'll be honest. Reading her messages I see the old her shining through. I have 2 more messages that i'll post down below. These ones did stir up some old emotions. And I do feel for the woman I once loved. I feel her pain and struggle. I just pray she makes it and her and the girls can find peace. As for me, seeing that happen will be the gift of all gifts.

I don't know the ins and outs of your story nor what happened 10 years ago, though I have read along since I moved to the mlc forum.

Hi Roist, That 10 year ago crisis was the same as this one. Only a lot shorter. A quarter crisis they call it. She was gone a few months. Neglected the kids, partied, spent money, cheated with an OM, shark eyes, change in clothes , new friends...then crashed , cried in my arms for a week and then was back to the way she was before and no real memory of anything.

So in 2015 it was all a repeat for me. I knew from the day she said ILYBDLY and told the kids she didn't want to be a mom that this crisis was back.

I would prefer my W to just disappear like yours if we do split. I am sure it was hard initially bit seemed better than constant interactions and change overs. I really felt for your daughters though.

Her disappearing was a blessing. I was able to detach faster. Not have her monster as much. The girls were sheltered from her and OM. Sometimes I think she is aware of what she is doing and her leaving like that is to protect them, knowing they are in good hands. Having lived her mini crisis I knew this was an illness of some sort. Her family on her mothers side all suffer from it. Its not talked about but it is so present.

I think in future replies you could state something to the effect: the past cannot be changed and wondering about past what ifs won't change it either. As for the girls, they are old enough now to make their own decisions about their R with W and whereas you are not against her reconnecting with them, it is only her that can make that happen.

I agree, the past is the past and I can't dwell on it. Especially the bad. This woman gave me 2 amazing daughters and 17 years of family and love. I want the girls to have their mother.

I know this has to be tough mentally. That is why I took the time to write do much. Bear in mind you have no pressure or obligation to anything including responding to her. Give it some head space but don't let it consume you.

Roist, first of all you are an amazing person with a big heart. it shows in your message to me. I too pray for you and all who are here. Yes it is and has been tough. time does help with that and I do find that I have grown so much. I think I am at the point of not responding to help her but to be a shoulder to lean on instead. I can't pick her up but I will help her walk. If she asks.

You are about 7 months post final divorce!!! Isn't six months post divorce typically a time when they wake up a bit and realize what they've done? If so, she's on target.

Didn't think of that, I only see the every 2 months she pops out. If she has realized all that she has done let's see if she does the next step to fix it for her girls. I again won't tell her what to do.

I definitely won't watch either. And i'll change the channel if it gets too scary.

I have no advice, only support. Given the h@llish situation, I think you are doing great.

Thanks Gordie.

I am in your corner and thinking of you daily. Stay strong my friend. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

likewise SBJ, likewise :-) Happy to have you here. I too am praying for you and your family.

I like the way you responded

I think gently validating without any solution is good
because if you get too close or suggest anything close to reconnection
she may bolt

treat her the way of a distant friend

Hi Peace :-) Yes I wouldn't want to scare her if she has come out of her hole. I don't need another few months of MLC. That is if this is what it is. It could very well be just a hard touch. I was tempted to test her out but then I thought. Nope. Why bother.



Hi Irish .
I really like us talking. I missed it. When I left you I left a big part of me. We were so close and connected. I lost a lot when I left you.
My sister doesn't talk to me still but I didn't have good relationship with her anyway. She talks behind my back and says that I am mentally ill. Oh well. who cares.

Hi XW, I'm sorry to hear about you are your sister. I'm sure she misses you.
As for the mentally ill, she probably doesn't understand what you are going through.

Its funny you say that. I know something happened to me. I should of got help!!!!! everything would be different. I would of found why I was feeling off, solve my pain I was feeling. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I think I didn't have the tools to deal with it. I didn't have the right mindset to get help for me , for our couple. We did once say we should see a therapist before I left. But I abandoned the idea. It was dumb. I did love you. Entirely and truly.

that was the last message. I did not reply. Will wait since its late.

She still only messages me from work. I presume not to alert OM. I'm sure if he read these he'd ask questions.

This is the closest she has ever got to saying she was not all there. Something was amiss but she couldn't put a finger on it.

Like you all say. Be cautious. So I'll let her continue her messages. I'll try to validate a bit but I fear she will jump back into the hole.

March 1 Doctor appointment for D14 is coming up. I'm sure it is affecting her. It is affecting me.


thanks again for all your love and support. I couldn't have found a better family here than I did. God bless.