Had our 4-way meeting today. My head is spinning. 5 hours and I have no idea how I feel.

Part of me wants all of this to be over and I feel like today was a big step in that direction but did I get side swiped? I can't even tell you if I did or not. I did feel like it was 5 hours of battling. I proposed to final compromise but I compromised A LOT. He did agree to custody mediation and that's big, I think, but everything else was me compromising. No one really wins in divorce but I feel like I lost somehow. Like he's at home popping champagne and I'm sitting here stunned and a bit lost.

I knew I might come home crying and I did but I also came home ANGRY and I'm not even sure why.

I called my friend who had to get off the phone soon after I started to get into it all, said she'd call me back in a few minutes but never did. I'm feeling very alone in this. Very alone. It feels symbolic and therefore painful.

Guys, is there going to be anything left of me when this is actually all over? I got about 1.5 hours of sleep last night, can't eat and can't think clearly. I'm feeling like this is the kind of day someone should come over and make me soup and put what I like on TV and put a blanket on me and just take care of me. Just for one day. But that's not going to happen. I feel very alone, more lost than ever and very much in despair. I feel like I could weep for a week but I don't have the energy and I think I'm out of tears.

Will this weight on my chest ever dissipate? I feel like I've faced enough pain and heartache for 3 people. Now I sound like a victim. Where am I in all of this? Where do I go from here? I don't want to pull myself up by my boot straps again because I just end up on the floor. Can I just stay down here and live life here? It feels like an exercise in futility to work hard to pull myself up only to wind up on the floor again. I feels like gravity is too heavy, so I think I'll just stay down for a bit. The energy to remain standing is far too taxing.


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian