Gordie: I am new to your situation. So, you have been a single dad for six months and your W is living separately and has a maybe on-again/off-again live-out boyfriend who comes over for sleepovers of indeterminate frequency. W says she's unsure whether or not she wants to be M to you or work on the M, right?
Miky152: "How long do I need to stay in this limbo?"
Gordie: You can only control you. I'm a newbie too and learning the hard way that there is nothing we can say or do to control our W. We can certainly make the road back more (be the man only a fool would leave) or less enticing (don't change anything and be the same man she left), but whether or not they want to come back...is totally up to them and on their time frame. It's not over until you say it is over...so how long do you want to stay in this limbo?
Miky152: "What can I do to break out of it without being super harsh and burning down the progress I have made?"
Gordie: Going back to the DB/DR principles...if you feel like you are in a rut where you are now...start with a beginner's mind...stop going down cheeseless tunnels (doing things that aren't working)...and experiment and monitor results...what can you do to change the situation without your W's participation? You see her every day, so what can you do that would be different? Surprising? Mysterious? Are you still attached and letting her moods control your moods/actions? She is cold and you are grumpy...she gives you an ILY and you are happy? What GAL activities do you have going on?
That's pretty much the long and short of my situation, yes. The good news is she seems to be recommitting to being a mother, at least to a certain extent. She hasn't taken any "real" responsibility for them, yet, but at least she is trying to see them every day and cares about how they are doing...this, in turn, has had a positive impact on our children and their general disposition.
She is definitely struggling with what she wants. I do think that if her EA/PA isn't over, it is seriously diminished. The honeymoon phase is over...it will likely die/has died a natural death in the near future. Of course, most of this is speculative, as we don't talk about it so it's based more on her actions. While I see this as a positive, I realize by no means are we out of the woods.
As for my GAL activities...honestly, that has been the hardest part for me. I have been working out and eating healthy for the past 6 months (lost roughly 60 lbs and can see my abs for the first time since my 20's), I joined a golf league, play fantasy baseball...and while I have been reconnecting with friends and family, most of my friends and family live out-of-state so it's been limited to texts and phone calls for the most part. My one local friend is fun to hang out with, but he is in a crappy place with his ex and is really into the bar scene so my interactions with him are limited. I do have a ton of fun at work though...my work friends are great. And I spend a lot of my free time being the best dad I can be...reading them Harry Potter, taking them to museums/movies/parks, etc. I have also really gotten into cooking and am exploring another advanced degree more in line with my current field.
All of that helps. And the truth is, I don't hate the "limbo" all that much as long as I am mindful of the improvements...but the not knowing about the OM situation and the occasional mixed messages still get to me, so I struggle with not getting too high or too low.
