So Confused and Conflicted (3)

[WshIKnw]

Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2731574&page=1

I see your frustration and understand why you have so many questions. Many of us on here don't understand how someone you spend over a decade with can just one day decide they don't want to be with you anymore. My W did many things that you are describing as well. She deleted my entire family from her FB, turned cold towards me within a week without warning, gave me no hope that she cared about our past, didn't let me know she was so unhappy and wanted out of the marriage, etc, etc. I know it hurts to think about all the good times in your M and question how she doesn't anymore. My W and I took a trip to New Orleans with friends 3 months prior to her leaving. My W told me that, even though things got better this past year, she still wants a D. You can't explain these actions and if you dwell on them it will drive you insane. I wish I had the answers to all your questions as I was once asking them myself. I do not believe she is giving up on the M so easily. This is something that she has had in the back of her mind for sometime and has finally made the decision to go forward with it. I also understand you questioning the methods you've learned here in regards to "fixing" you MR. However, its not about that as your old MR is over. You can only focus on yourself at this point and do things for yourself. Don't worry so much about what she is doing. Hell, my W is already seeing OM but now it doesn't bother me. If you would have talked to me a few months ago this would have broken my heart. She is not the woman I married anymore and by loving myself I have realized that I don't deserve this because I'm a better person. From what I have learned here I now love myself more than my M or my W. Once you start focusing your attention on yourself you will realize that it will get easier. The pain will never go away, but it will get easier. In time, if you keep practicing what you have learned, your W may come back and then she may not. Hopefully, by then you will have built a strong enough relationship with yourself that whatever happens you will have the tools to make things better than before.

Thank you, SAL27. Very uplifting and motivating.

That's what I've been saying all along. He can't live his life dependent on if she will or won't come back. At some point he is going to have to move on for his own sake.

Let me just re-phrase what you wrote slightly.
He has to keep moving forward.

He will decide when it is time to move on.

Thank you, Cadet. Jeep, you have given a lot of great advice and support that I really appreciate, but sometimes you come across as very pessimistic, like you know she's not coming back, in which case, why does anyone DB at this point in the game, if it were true that we knew what she is going to do? If LITB had given in to pessimism, he would have never likely gotten his wife back. He went down a very long road through h3ll, and came out with his wife. I am in a 1 year separation state, and I've got until the end of December before that time has passed. My wife has been another person lately (since BD), but I remember who she was for those 10 years prior, and how much she loved me, and all that she did for me. She quite literally saved me. And I will take a beating to get her back, especially when I know I wasn't appreciating her properly and wasn't treating her like a wife needs to be treated.

Moving forward is just what the butterfly analogy is all about. For now, he's squeezing the life out of that butterfly. We've all done it...and I'll be the first to raise my hand. However, if he doesn't open his and release it, it will never come back to alight.

I take that analogy of squeezing the butterfly to mean that I have a grasp on her and won't let her go. I may have an inner/private grasp on her, but I don't have a grasp on her that she feels, because I've been doing NC for at least 2 weeks, and when she contacts me (which is very rarely), I've just acted content and friendly. But yeah, she might not land on my hand again, if I don't also release my inner grip on her, because some how I have to build myself up into something she would want. I have to make some friends and get out of the house and do things. This is all so hard compared to the little bit of effort it would have taken to keep her happy, if I had only understood how badly she needed the things she asked for, but she was so hard to read. It's hard to be motivated to make someone happier, who, in your eyes, appears to already be happy. (sigh)