but I think on some level if you are ALWAYS offering love and kindness, then you arent really growing either. How can you continue to maintain your sense of self and sense of value?
See, I don't agree. I know everyone is different, but I'm learning that my sense of self has nothing to do with someone else's actions. Only how I respond to them. I love my W very much. She has issues that stem from way back. Never in her life has anyone ever fought for her or offered her emotional stability, and so she's running from it now. I've lived the first 42 years of my life always putting my needs first, being self-centered. So taking this stance is a huge growth opportunity for me. I refuse to be another person in her life who walks away from her. And that gives me an enormous sense of self-value.
Maybe Im not explaining things well. I agree that we get to choose how to treat other people. My ex did some pretty bad things, and I would say, through the whole thing, I was outwardly friendly. And I can say through the entire ordeal, I maintained my love for my ex.
That said, I wouldnt say that I always acted with kindness or friendship. I didnt want to be just a friend - I wanted to be a spouse. So if I was asked to do things as 'friends', then I did it on my terms. Because of the boundaries that I set for myself got crossed, then I enforced what I needed for myself through my actions.
I guess to me, being all sunshine and roses regardless of what she does is not really be loving. To me, it's similar to a child throwing a tantrum; yes, you should maintain your emotional stability, yes you should remain calm, approachable, and friendly. But at the same time, you need to be able to be stern and say no, as necessary. Maybe thats what you are saying and Im misunderstanding. It just sounded like you are setting yourself up to be a doormat if you are going to show kindness and friendship regardless of what she does.
That's the line between being caring and being an enabler that I was talking about...and I feel like that line is different for everyone (and quite frankly may move in a specific relationship, depending on how the WS is acting).
Also, there is a difference between understanding and supporting. Just because you are kind, and maybe even happy or flirty...it doesn't mean you agree with or support their actions.
