Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

Great stuff to think about you guys. Thanks!

I will say that I do have a few boundaries in place. Some are obvious... abuse/neglect of my children, loss of control with alcohol or drugs, spending money out of control. None of these are happening right now. I must say that I was a little concerned about her alcohol consumption but it seems to have tapered off (at least in front of me). Meanwhile, she continues to work and contribute $ to the family, do her fair share of the chores around the house, cooks dinner for the kids (and me if I'm home), always comes home from wherever she goes to at night, takes good care of our kids, and goes to therapy once a week religiously.

The whole "girls gone wild" thing is mostly going on in my head based on assumptions I've made by observing her behavior. But I have no real proof that she's out of control when she goes out, I just assume the worst, which is probably the best thing for me to do.

As for other boundaries, there are 3 in my list above.

If my W ever starts talking to me about a man that she's involved with (perhaps in an attempt to legitimize the relationship) I plan to cut her off right away and tell her that this discussion crosses a boundary with me. She hasn't done this once yet.

The same goes for discussions about divorce. Not that I won't listen to her and try to validate her feelings if she brings up the subject. But asking me to help facilitate the legal process or voluntarily participating in mediation crosses the same boundary as leaving my home while we are still married. It goes against my principles and values.

but I think on some level if you are ALWAYS offering love and kindness, then you arent really growing either. How can you continue to maintain your sense of self and sense of value?

See, I don't agree. I know everyone is different, but I'm learning that my sense of self has nothing to do with someone else's actions. Only how I respond to them. I love my W very much. She has issues that stem from way back. Never in her life has anyone ever fought for her or offered her emotional stability, and so she's running from it now. I've lived the first 42 years of my life always putting my needs first, being self-centered. So taking this stance is a huge growth opportunity for me. I refuse to be another person in her life who walks away from her. And that gives me an enormous sense of self-value.