Thank you CaliGuy. In my head and in my heart, I know you and everyone else is correct. Just like my common sense tells me this is MLC, there is this niggly part of my brain that doubts things. I have to figure out why I still have doubts.
Last night was a bit rough and I backslid. I allowed my pent up frustration and emotions get to me and I reacted to H, rather than responded like I would have preferred to have done.
H called me while I was on my way home to tell me that he was going to be late. I hesitated when I responded, because deep down I suspect he wouldn't really be working. The hesitation was a way for me to try to gather my strength to not react. During the pause, H said, "I know what you are thinking and it's not that." Of course, I didn't believe him. And rather than take a big gulp of the STFU smoothie, I reacted.
I told him "uh huh" in such a way as to communicate my disbelief. And then it was on. I don't remember how it progressed from that point, but during the conversation, I told him that I knew about him hooking up with the married co-worker in December (this is a different OW than the main one). He adamantly denied the hook up.
Over the course of the conversation he repeatedly said that I (me) think I know everything and that I have got all things figured out and that I am wrong. (As an aside, I have incontrovertible proof of the hook up, but did not tell him what the proof was or that I even have it.) He went on and on about how nothing has changed, I think I am always right and so on. I admitted in the past that I have said some very arrogant things that I should not have out of anger and frustration. I told him that I know for a fact this event happened as well as the time in December when he asked OW if she wanted to meet S.
He went on to vehemently deny both incidents. I told him that I was concerned about him and the road he was heading down. I let him know that I don't recognize this person he has become. This person is not setting a good example for S and I wondered if this is truly who he wants to be. I told him that just because he does these things in secret and behind everyone's back doesn't mean it's okay. I asked him how in the world could he tell OW that he loves her and then hook up with a married co-worker. That's not love. I also asked him how he lives with himself doing what he is doing.
At some point, my cell service konked out and the call dropped. I texted him to let him know that I did not hang up. He called me on our land line.
We talked about his pattern of cheating and he became irate. (Several years before we were married he broke off a long term relationship with a woman by cheating on her with a co-worker. Talk about missing a red flag.) BTW, H had a EA with this woman at the same time he was having a PA with OW. Him and this ex-g.f. would send dirty text messages and pictures back and forth. He said he was not a "serial" cheater and demanded to know what my definition of serial cheater was. I refused to play that game. I told him regardless of how many or even when, he has a problem with fidelity and even OW knows this about him.
At one point during the conversation he asked me what we were doing still married. He then went onto something else before I could respond and we never revisited that issue.
Eventually we ended the conversation. He came home from work after I had gone to bed so I didn't talk to him until morning.
I am supremely disappointed in how I handled this. I know I should have handled it differently.
I have been thinking about sending him an email to clarify some points. Namely, why I am still married to him. I want him to know that there is still some love there and the reason I am still here is because of my commitment. Feelings come and go. Marriage is for better or for worse. Feelings can be reborn. I want to tell him that I am working on myself regardless of what happens with us.
What do you all think?
He was very sullen this morning. There was something about his demeanor that tells me what I said made him think. I know nothing the LBS says will pull them out; they have to do that on their own.
