JujuB - I totally get what you mean and I’m really touched by your advice because I can see you're saying ‘Stop, pothole ahead on recovery road!’. Don’t worry, I’m not posting from the same place of desperation when you first encountered me. In the last few weeks something has clicked in me. I still want to save the marriage, but not at any cost anymore. IF WH decides to ever come back, he’s going to have to be committed to making changes too.
A large part of the reason why I am willing to consider reconciliation despite his appalling track record is twofold - first, I believe he is fundamentally a good man. A totally screwed up, damaged man, but a good man nonetheless. Second, I came across some material that explains serial adultery. It doesn’t apply in all cases, but I felt it described WH’s behaviour. Serial adultery is explained as a poor coping mechanism for pain; relief from the pain is being sought through sensuality.
I think WH is a total mess. Which is why I’m much more relaxed about the OW situation now. She can have the total wreck he is. And if I’ve got it wrong and he isn’t a total wreck, well, then I love him enough to say, good on you, congrats on finding that really special someone. I don’t want to trap someone in an unhappy life with me, even for my son’s sake.
I get that he doesn’t want to be in the marriage. Totally get that. I guess you would say I am still standing for the marriage because I believe as well that emotions can change. He might hate my guts now, because he’s referencing the old me who would rip his head off every time he did something small wrong. Might he hate the new me, the me I want to be, for me and my son, the person who’s more chilled and laid back and altogether happier for it? Maybe. Doesn’t matter. I’m still going to be that person. If he doesn’t like the new me, someone else will. And even if no one else in the Universe does, I will, and that’s enough for me.
6 weeks ago I was desperate to save the marriage at ALL costs. I wouldn’t have minded if he came home even if OW was still in the picture. Something’s happened since then - I think I’ve detached a bit more. I think you guys on this forum have helped A LOT. There’s a lot more shrugging and less wringing of hands. It’s not giving up per se, but a position of surrender. Part of my GAL is exploring my spiritual development and I keep coming up against this message - let it go. Give it up to the Higher One, the Source, God, whatever you want to call Him. Have faith, be a decent person, walk with integrity, and it will all work out because this is literally the best you can do. I can’t control my WH, only myself. As long as I am proud of how I am conducting myself, the rest of it is just pfiffle.
The old me would have cancelled my dinner plans tonight to rush back to be all light and cheery in WH’s face. I am still going to be light and cheery when I have to see him later, when he wants to talk about the divorce settlement, but for me - I have recovered my self respect and I am not going to be that weak snivelling desperate W anymore. He may not know my worth anymore, but I do now.
I want to save my marriage and keep my family intact, but not at the expense of my and my son’s mental health and happiness. The only way this family can stay intact is if WH and I both want to do the healing and work to make ourselves healthier happier people. I have started on my part - WH is still revelling in sensuality and nights out because it distracts him from the pain (I think). Or it may be he has no pain and this is the life he really wants. In which case, either way, my path is clear. Even if WH came home today, I would still continue on this path. Call it GAL, call it DBing, it’s actually a bit of both. It’s being who I really want to be.
