Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

I guess what I meant, though, is that taking a softer approach does run the risk of making you appear weak (emphasis on the word appear, because I realize it is anything but) and doesn't leave you with much leverage if she does decide to come back because she knows she has the upper hand.

The "upper hand" idea is something that I've been struggling with for a long time, and I've come to the conclusion that it's really an ego problem for me. I could make arguments as to why I have the upper hand. I could also make arguments that my W will ALWAYS have the upper hand because she's a woman and brings home about 25% of the income I bring home.

But this just continues to promote the "me vs. her" mentality, which really doesn't work for me. I spent a lot of energy between Nov and Jan trying to get the upper hand and all it did was stress me out and make me more resentful.

The loss of all physical and emotional intimacy with my W after 12 years of being together still gets to me sometimes and I go through periods of sadness. But being loving, kind, and helpful towards her no matter what actually helps ME feel better.

At least that's my fear...of course, what I hope happens is she wakes up and is herself again, and her remorse/empathy for what she put her family through overrides any of the more selfish tendencies. Probably unrealistic, but a guy can dream.

I'm certainly dreaming of the same outcome, but a reconciliation for me means starting over completely. I don't think my W and I could ever go back to the way things used to be. Trust has been broken on both sides and we will need to re-establish our relationship based on interdependence instead of codependence.

My W clearly has a secret life. It's evident in her actions. It might be as harmless as hanging out with new friends just to rediscover what makes her happy. Or she could be in a relationship with another man. Or she could be in full-blown "pretending to be single" mode and having meaningless, selfish sex with every guy she meets.

Unfortunately I believe that this last one is the truth and it makes me want to vomit as I type it right now. But the way I see it (and you can call me a fool or less of a man if you want to) giving her an ultimatum doesn't solve anything. Deep down she knows that her behavior is wrong and it's destroying our marriage, but she doesn't care. She has no inner motivation to change. And an ultimatum doesn't change that, it simply imposes rules from the outside.

When she decides to really change she will come out of the fog and see me as man with integrity, who turned his attention inward and worked on himself to become a better man, husband, and father. Who always offered love, kindness, friendship, and respect to his W even when she didn't deserve it. A man who continued to nurture a meaningful connection with his W despite all obstacles.

It is my sincere hope that this happens before I have decided to move on. But if it doesn't, I've done the work I need to do to have a much more fulfilling relationship with another person.

And, just a small update and maybe some encouragement. Last night, as she was leaving she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Was the first non-accidental and unprompted I love you in roughly 6 months.

This is my favorite part of your post miky!

*high five*

I can only hope that I can post this same news one day!