Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
The mental dichotomy of piecing while fighting my own desire to "make him pay" is really hard to put into words, you did it quite well. Part of me wonders if he will ever truly "get it" with regards to the depths of pain he inflicted on me? Part of me is afraid if he doesn't, he will repeat the behavior. Another part of me wonders if I am just continually setting the goal post out farther and farther? My WH is WAY outside his comfort zone but he continually puts himself there and tries to find ways to make me happy. I know I am responsible for my own happiness but it does feel good that he cares about my happiness, kwim? Now that things are feeling calmed down all those niggling doubts rise up and my mind tries to play mind movies again. I practice my thought stopping and continually reground myself in the now. I remind myself that I chose to give him a second chance, the power is in my hands. I am grieving the loss of him being "the one." When your husband proposes to another woman, sleeps with her and shares the most intimate parts of himself it's kind of hard to go back to thinking of him as my soulmate, ya know? So I have to grieve the loss of that fantasy. Now my love for him is an active choice and not an assumption.

2016,
Reading Bluwave's thread was immensely relieving. She once wrote about a year after she started piecing she was driving home while hot tears of anger and grief washed over her face. Her mind went over the horrible things her WH did and how she wasn't sure she could get past it. I felt a BIG breath of relief leave my body. I struggle with that too, am I able to get over this? Will this curdling heat of resentment ever leave me? I am careful not to let it leak into our interactions as it would be counterproductive right now. I don't want to be a single mom and I don't want to inflict divorce on my children's lives. But I didn't want to be married to a man who would lie and cheat on me...twice. So my options are to divorce and move on (with the inevitable collateral damage to the kids) or find a way to be strong enough to overcome my WH's betrayals. The answer still isn't clear. I do know I can't do anything about the past but I can at least influence the now and thus the future.


Journaling; Wh continues to put deposits into my love bank and I try to meet his needs as well. I touch him a lot, cuddle and give words of affirmation with a sprinkle of acts of service. He surprised me by picking me up for lunch today and taking me to a very expensive restaurant. He has to work tonight so this cut into his rest time. We chatted during lunch and laughed a lot. He would reach over and take my hand to kiss it, he says thank you all the time. I ask him why he is thanking me and he says "For being so kind to me." He has started praying his salats again and I see him praying very hard duas afterward. I think the enormity or his actions are starting to sink in. I do not envy the battle he will be fighting internally.

The baby has started to favor him over me, this is very different from the other kids as they were primarily attached to me for the 1st two years. I think the difference is due to the baby being formula fed and thus not completely dependent on me. One of the sad side effects of the stress of my wrecked marriage was my milk drying up prematurely. WH feels absolutely awful for this as I had been able to breastfeed both previous children 2 years each. I was having to supplement by 2 months and later I was making nothing. The upside is the baby can stay overnight with family if WH and I want a weekend getaway.
So when WH comes home the baby makes a beeline to him and clings like a tiny monkey. WH just melts when this happens and will cuddle the baby for hours.

WH touches my face a lot to caress it, something he did in the very beginning of our relationship. He smiles at me and I catch his gaze holding for long periods of time. I find myself gushing in conversations like I used to and have to calm myself down. I tend to talk waaaay too much when excited whereas WH is more reserved and less talkative. I continue to dress nice/sexy around the house and wear light perfume. WH loves to see me dressed nicely and always comments how good I smell. I have been missing gym lately because of work but need to find a way to exercise more consistently again, it has helped immensely with mood and energy.

Friends of ours comment on how happy we appear together. I can honestly say when I am with him, I feel happy. It's when it's quiet and I am not busy that my mind starts to wander back to my anger and resentment. It's like having a worry stone, something you turn over and over in your hand. The edges are rough and uneven, you know the imperfections well but you continue to seek out these details. It's foolish and self defeating but you do it over and over.