On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[PsySara]

So how is 2016 supposed to react? Showing her pain and anger to WH does not serve her, as a matter of fact it can result in spinning in your own pain. She should reserve her more vulnerable side for her trusted friends. The stronger and more confident she makes herself the more attractive she becomes, not just to her WH but everyone. Also, if the WH can't point to his LBW behavior then it lands him smack into introspection territory.

Look, I am in the infantile stages of piecing but I've have slipped multiple times into showing my WH my rage, hurt and bitterness. It pushed him further away as well as left myself feeling weak and like a failure. When I started dressing up, spending a lot of time busy talking to my support friends and doing more self care it strengthened me. I'll be honest, part of the reason was to influence his attraction to me but also because I REALLY needed to regain my confidence. Meanwhile my WH started to see the old Sara and was drawn back to me. He also had to face the fact that I was not responsible for his wayward behavior, though my anger and resentment certainly didn't help the health of our marriage before his affair. My ability to NOT react as he expected made him doubt all the "truths" he felt about me. My DBing coach reiterated this into my head, reactivity does not help me, my marriage, or my ability to parent. The plan is to ACT first and not REACT to the wayward spouses emotional ups and downs.

Does screaming, harping, interrogating the wayward spouse bring them back? In my limited experience, no. Remorse is a tall order and it's like selling a very expensive car. You let the buyer sit in the car, smell the leather seats, feel the purr of the engine and then drive it around. Once the buyer wants it soooo bad do you show the price. My WH has entered regret and shows slivers of remorse. It is so early and he has a HUGE mountain to climb with regards to introspection to find out why he allowed himself to violate his own beliefs and values.

This is just my two cents, 2016, take it with a large grain of salt. I've made DBing a way of life for myself because after paying IC and MC gobs of money and getting poor results or worsening results, DB was what actually worked. But it takes a huge amount of time and endurance. MWD encourages the GAL so that you can get respite from the intensity of DBing with the WS.