Hi skm, wow... loved to read your last post. And I think you are doing what you can at the moment.
It's so hard to swollen the whole thing. There is an empty hole inside of us. It's a constant pain that never goes away.
BUT, and there is a big but, as much as you would like to wake up the next day and find out that you just had your worst nightmare, it is not, and won't happen that way.
In my case, time and a collection of mistakes, made me look at the DB with more attention, and made me listen to some posters with more experience.
Many times I wanted to hear that there is a method that will make my XH to want to work on us for sure. I was looking for some magical process that would just happen and things would be put into the right place very fast.
Unfortunately, I got to the conclusion that such thing doesn't exist and some things may be or may never be resolved.
It's a heart breaking event that won't be erased from my life ever. It can be put in one small place inside of me, but it won't be erased ever.
So, after so long time, I come to the conclusion that "MY PAIN" can be managed by my actions and reactions. I control it even when I think I don't have any control on the outcome.
I am finally accepting that I need to look into myself and do what I want for myself. Amazing as it seems, I found out that I really want this independent if XH comes back or not, or even if there is another person in my life.
Now, I want my decisions and changes to be for myself and the more I do it, the better I feel.
Now, I look back and feel silly. I see that if I had listen to the advices here, I would be feeling much better a year ago or so.
But it is OK, maybe I wasn't ready to accept what I can't change, to make peace with someone's decisions and really, truly accept that it happen and won't change ever.
If one day we cross our lives, then it will be another R, it won't ever be the same again.
Just remember that everything will happen in your own time. You will hear many advices that make perfect sense and yet you will only accept them when you are ready. Give yourself that time, look into yourself and start searching for who you are now.
We all change, we all mature... so work on yourself to be better for "YOU". And give yourself a break every day. Allow yourself to be weak when you are alone, to cry when you feel lonely, to make mistakes when you can't take the pressure. It's all part of the process to get to a place where you will feel the need to live your own life independent of what happen on the sidelines.
And if one day your H decides to turn his head, he will be amazed of the person you are.
I hope you are well as you can be at this time. Hope you treat yourself with lots of patience too and care a lot after your health and well being.
There is a lot more to come, so keep your body healthy.
And, as Sotto mention above. I would like to hear some of your personal goals. You really need them even if you don't feel like it. Sometimes, I wanted to put myself in a cave and come out after 5years, but I forced myself to do things and I feel better now and it took me only 2years, so it is less time suffering, haha.
