Tomorrow's a new day

[010207]

The short answer to your question, Matrix, is no. I'm no longer trying to save my marriage.

Long answer....really just me journaling. These last few months have made me reevaluate my life and my marriage. I could've told you months ago that I was in a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, but it was as though I was distanced from it. I knew it, but (using the term used here often) compartmentalized it. If anyone else had told me they were experiencing the same things I would tell them to leave. Don't walk, run! However, when it's happening to you, it somehow seems different. I could give example after example and never be able to fully explain what I went through. Unless you've experienced it, it's hard to comprehend. I've always justified as someone else has it worse. And they do, but it doesn't make it right. His own mother calls him a narcissist.

I've also realized that it was a pattern I was used to. My mother and step father did the same things to a lesser extent to me growing up and so it makes sense that I just accepted it as normal. I was codependent on H and see now that my marriage was toxic to me.

Knowing all this does not mean though that I don't still ride the roller coaster. He's all I know. Since I was 15, he's always been there, good or bad. Now I have to stand on my own with no support. It's scary. After my childhood, all I wanted was for my children to grow up in a happy, solid single family unit. I failed them. I'll never be able to brag that we just celebrated our 50 year anniversary. No matter how close you become to someone else, you can never share the same closeness you've had after basically growing up together. So, yeah, I still have bad days. But I'm not about to let them break me. I'll pull up my boot straps and move on because my kids need me to. I need me to.