Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

Day 26 since I started my new approach with my W and my life.

Lots of emotional ups and downs lately and it's very frustrating to work so hard every minute of every day and not see any results. It's also very hard to watch my W continue to embrace her selfish "girls gone wild" lifestyle and not show any signs of remorse or slowing down.

But I've been reading so many stories on here from people who are dealing with much harder situations that me. Particularly those who are physically separated from their spouses and possibly their kids as well. And so, with my W making no visible effort to move forward with divorce, mediation discussions, or physical separation, I feel like I must use this time to my advantage and continue my parallel efforts of lovingly detaching/GAL and trying to reconnect with her in a way that seems natural and infers no expectations on my end.

This morning I was feeling very down and discouraged so I jotted down a list of affirmations and intentions to read regularly in the hopes of keeping me focused.

Just a disclaimer: Some will read this list and insist that I'm enabling cake eating, which is fine. I respect that opinion. But I have taken all of the advice from this board and combined it with the advice from my DB coach, my therapist, the reverend at my church, a few very close friends, books/articles outside of the DB community, and most importantly what feels right to me in my heart. And I'm very happy with how this approach makes ME feel.

Ok, here's the list:

1. I am committed to saving my marriage

2. I will always be positive and happy in my W's presence

3. I will strive to take an aggressive and pro-active approach to the activities related to taking care of our house and our kids. (This is a huge 180 for me)

4. I will not start any discussions about the state of our marriage

5. I will stop what I'm doing, listen attentively, and make eye contact whenever my W engages me in conversation

6. I will not make sarcastic comments

7. I will not blame her or make her feel guilty

8. I will not spy on her or ask her for details of where she's been or who she's been with

9. I will focus on fixing my own problems

10. I will find other things/activities/people in my life to make me happy and provide me with a distraction from my situation

11. I will take every available opportunity to initiate fun/light conversation with my W

12. I will try to make non-threatening physical contact with my W

13. I will try to invite my W to do fun things with me and not react negatively if she says no

14. I will NOT move out of my house

15. I will NOT discuss anything related to the state of her love life (or sex life) with other men

16. I will NOT help facilitate any effort to move towards divorce

17. I will NOT evaluate her responses to my actions as an indicator of their effectiveness

18. I will remember to count the days and remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

That's all I have. I think the list is pretty thorough, but I'm sure I'll revise it as time goes by.

Comments are ALWAYS appreciated!