Maybell 40

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update! And congrats on the one-year anniversary!

[Dawn70]

Awesome update, Maybell! Good news on all fronts. Isn't that "I don't give a darn" feeling a wonderful one, when it finally comes?

Happy one year anniversary. Keep on keepin' on!

[DonH]

Man, how time flies! Been over a month since we've heard from you Maybell, with Christmas and a brand new year thrown in for good measure. Hope you are doing well and looking forward to hearing an update.

[Courage]

I'm so happy to read your updates and see how things are going in detail, Maybell. As usual, I'm impressed and humbled by your introspection and silver-lining-discoveries.

I struggle intensely with how similar my D9 is to stbx. Admittedly I find myself trying to "fix" it out of her. Ugh. How awful is that?

Keep up the awesomeness. It has always looked good on you.

[Maybell]

Not much of an update but I'll post one anyway...

All is well with My Guy. He's away for the week and I took the opportunity to just rest. I have a bad cold and I was basically in bed asleep until 3 pm on Saturday, which was glorious. I miss him but I rarely get time to really rest so I milked it for everything while I didn't have the kids.

This relationship feels like it reaches me much more deeply than any other I've been in. It's a little hard to describe, but everything about it feels very real. When we have a conflict, I will say what's on my mind, or he'll say what's on his mind, and we stop and listen and it pretty much comes out ok. I am always so relieved that he never promises to be anything other than what he is. I feel like I'm dealing with an honest person that way. I can remember what it was like to be in my other relationships. They weren't like this. My bad college boyfriend was almost stalkerish he was so attached to me, but I couldn't talk to him. Mr. Fantastic was kind of in a routine, it was weird, almost like he didn't want to be there sometimes. But then, I have a letter he sent me after a fight we had where he said he felt like we would do well married because we knew how to resolve a disagreement. (HA! HA! HA!!!!!!)

With My Guy, though, we actually do talk things through to a point where whatever the issue was is put to rest. That doesn't mean it's necessarily changed, but there is peace around it. I trust his innate goodwill. I'm not ready to commit to him for the rest of my life because I don't know if the things I'm able to relax into right now will stay at rest, but for the moment, he has become my gold standard for how I want a relationship to feel.

I had the weirdest 2 dreams about Mr. Fantastic a couple of weeks ago. In the first one, we were moving away from each other, and I was laughing and I said "We should have done this years ago, we never got along so well as we do now that we're breaking up." And I actually hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, and he smiled at me too. The second one I remember less, except that I felt really friendly towards him and even cracked jokes with him. When I see him in person, I don't feel positively or negatively towards him. I seem to have found Meh. When I see him, I wonder why on earth I was married to him, and what I fought for. He's just so utterly unappealing to me now. Not just in a physical way, but I look at him and just can't imagine even having much of a conversation with him. It's interesting, and a relief.

I was talking on the phone to my mother last week, upset about something going on at work, and she started in on how angry she was with him again. I stopped her and said, "He is so beside the point it's not even worth getting angry about anymore." And I really meant it. That was very freeing. The consequence is I have been asking for more help from him, as in getting D13 (almost 14) to her therapy appointments, etc.

D13 is becoming a problem again. She's been CURSING me out 3-4 mornings of every 5. For the entire morning. This afternoon I left a vm with the therapist and said I didn't know what to do and that if I needed to have a one-on-one appointment of my own with her then that's what I would do. Interestingly, while I was going through some old papers over the weekend I found a note page I'd written in 2015 with her name and number on it -- apparently I was going to start seeing her after the bad therapist. I remember talking to her on the phone and I just couldn't bring myself to go. How times have changed.

I threatened the kid within an inch of her life and she's got some short and long-term consequences of continuing that behavior so hopefully that plus whatever magic the therapist can cast will help.

The job trudges on. I'm not afraid of being terminated but I've got to seriously BRING MY GAME. Putzing around isn't going to do it and I'm coming to the realization that I've let fear control me for far too long. This isn't rocket science, I can do it.

I appreciate there are a few people who still like to hear from me, so thanks for the shout out. I'm sorry I don't interact so much anymore, I just don't know that I have a lot to add.

Hugs!!

[Maybell]

This is the list I made of what i wanted, around the time I started dating:

Tall
Fit
Confident, in charge
No Guessing
Handsome
Playful
Open but not overly serious
Damn good kisser -- and see in charge, above
Not needy -- happy with his life but wanting to share it
Yeah, reasonably liberal
Articulate
Kind, caring, gentlemanly
Easy
Interested in me

For myself -- what I want from my life:
Someone who listens to me sing and thinks it's great. Who wants to help because he cares about me. Who does stuff.

What I want from my life: To pull the house together. To have my life together. To be the best of myself. Always. To not be in PTSD because Mr. Fantastic is an a-hole.

I'm going to be ok. I'm going to be alone for a while and that's probably good. But I do want to work through my fears and realize I really am OK. I'd like to meet someone brave enough to care about me. I'd like to not make a totally fool of myself.

[Maybell]

Had a fight with My Guy last night. It started as something tiny but I overreacted and he stormed out. He wants an apology. I am exhausted from work. I think we both did wrong in the argument and there is clearly more on both our minds than the thing the argument was about.

I don't know how to conduct myself over this mess. I wish I could reduce my work time to 30-40 hours a week but that looks unlikely.

I know I haven't contributed much to the community lately but if anyone has wisdom I need it. My well has run dry. There are a million things going on in my life right now and I'm just tapped out.

[doodler]

Maybell,

I hate those arguments that escalate from nothing; they usually leave me feeling badly for a few days. My go-to cure is to eat a plate of comfort food (usually pasta) and watch a romantic comedy. And, of course, saying "I'm sorry" helps as well.

[Maybell]

I apologized.

I still feel utterly depleted.

Something has to change.

[Dawgs]

My well has run dry. There are a million things going on in my life right now and I'm just tapped out.

Sound like you need some recharge time. No need to put yourself out for things...take a vacation if you can. Do something just by yourself. Even if its for a day. Go shopping. Or window shopping. Maybe a day trip. Something just for Maybell and no one else.