Newbie, need help with WAW!

[180Man]

One big red flag to me.

The affair she had the end of last summer was with a co-worker.

You claim she ended it, but does she/did she continue to work with the guy?

Did she continue to travel with the guy?

We're both military so there's no choice. If I tell the other spouse, I can't control what she will do with the information. She could end both their careers. The OM knows I know everything and in my wife's no-contact letter she told him if he talks to her I will ruin their careers. OM leaves the unit in a couple months. He has a young child he is fearful of losing. At many times I have been angry and wanted to go nuclear and just tell everyone, but ending my WAW's career would ensure I would never see her again. My mother has tried to convince me that I would feel terrible if I took this route. I'm not considering it, but I'm not going to tell you it hasn't crossed my mind.

My WAW had convinced herself she was in love with OM, convinced herself that he was some ideal father figure, but realized afterwards how stupid she had been. But I believe she ended up having to justify he affair to herself and convinced herself that my prior problems were the cause and, thus, she just doesn't have those butterflies anymore.

Because you are both Christians, you should be talking to and getting support from your Pastor too.

I emailed our pastor two months ago to ask for a list of therapists they recommend (our pastor doesn't do counseling himself, it seems). She flipped out and told me she didn't want our church involved until we both decided together. I believe she initially thought I had talked to the pastor about our problem rather than just seeking a list of counselors.


My best friend believes I should take her up on the offer for coffee, if not in two days then this weekend or next week perhaps. He knows she is a very strong woman and wants a strong husband (who I was before the depression, I suppose). He believes I should go in there and tell her we have something worth saving and that I'm not gonna let her give up on it with out a fight, that the marriage counselor was a joke and we need to remember how to talk like adults and figure this out, that she needs to stop running away and we're gonna work out the all the little issues we had. That we have something special and she isn't going to ruin it because she is scared to talk, and that I need to start acting like the strong husband I was and want to be once again. Essentially he thinks I need to be strong and tell her we're going to work through it and when ever she is ready I will help her move back in. Then ask if she has any questions, excuse myself, and leave.

She expects me to show up wimper and cry, ask why and beg. That will be her wall and defence plan, but my friend suggests that I go in swinging because she is a strong woman but she wants a strong man.

Not sure how I feel about this idea, but I intend to discuss it during my session today.