I think affairs are probably a mixture of both - unmet needs, building resentment, feelings of entitlement and then acting on opportunity...

For the MC - does it need to be as simple as you do all this or I file? Perhaps it can just be - I'm willing to invest in this, but there are some 'bottom line' things for me...and if those aren't in place - don't participate. However, separately to file or not file is your choice.

I understand on the transparency, but if you are living apart how can you reasonably know what she may be doing? If she wanted to continue having contact, she would find a way. I'm not sure that insisting on all of this stuff right now is the way to go. You may need to settle for a genuine desire to participate in counselling, an undertaking to be NC with OM - and if anything changes at her end? Well, you pull out...

Also, in most M's, no one person is normally 90% responsible...I think it is normally more like 50/50 - maybe up to 70/30 who knows. But I'm guessing it may be more shared than you are seeing.

Good luck anyway :-)

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus