Well, it's been a long time since I posted here...and a lot has changed. I recently went back and reread DR and it got me thinking that I should come back and give posting here another shot.
The highlights:
- Wife is still living in a one bedroom apartment...will be 6 months in March - She started a new job in January. OM worked at her old place, and old job was a huge stresser. She "hates" the new job because the commute [censored] and she has no friends (though I am secretly relieved because clearly her work relationships don't have a great track record lately - New Job comes with a much better schedule...she now picks up the kids from school and brings them to the house, where she watches them until I get home...we eat dinner as a family (I cook) and she handles some of the kid responsibilites like bath time before she splits (usually an hour or so after dinner) - Holidays were ok. Thanksgiving was a low point as we spent it apart...I was finally ready to move on but she kind of pulled me back in probably because she was feeling lonely. Christmas eve she stayed at the house...but the kids and I went to her parents house without her for christmas dinner (she is fighting with them over the affair and her moving out...they took my "side" in the matter). We fought a bit on christmas about how it felt fake knowing there was another man, but she wound up spending the next night too. Not in same bed, fyi - Shortly after New Years we hit a new low. The kids and I brought her some breakfast one morning without much warning, and other man had spent the night. Luckily the kids were not aware. I was irate as I had been lead to believe it was over/ending. We had a long talk that day where she finally admitted it was a physical affair and that he loved her (she says she cares about him...but it is more maternal, whatever that means). The way she described it was actually kind of pathetic, though...sounds like they don't have sex much, and not at all lately. That he comes over and plays video games (which is hysterical when you think about it, as it was something she hated about me and I have mostly stopped in pursuit of more "grown up hobbies and working out). After the talk, she was less anxious than she had been in MONTHS. The next day though, the anxiety was back. The following day, I showed up again in the morning (first day of new job) to drop off some lunch and OM was there again...I was super angry and started "detaching" immediately.
So here we are now...Im not sure where her and OM stand...I know they had a fight a few weeks back that she doesn't want to talk about. I know they still talk at least on occasion, but not sure if he still comes over and don't really "care" unless I am feeling particularly vulnerable or alone. Like I said she is at the house daily, texts me or calls me throughout the day, and our relationship is generally friendly and has very little fighting. I have really backed off the R talks. There is still very little physical contact...occasional hugs are it. No I love yous (but she does make the half heart symbol when she leaves every night as she drives away). She is much more engaged with the kids (though she has never taken them...they stay at the house every time), and doesn't constantly text "friends" anymore.
She claims the no contact is because she doesn't want to lead me on. That she hasn't made her mind up yet and its not fair to me to be physical. Same reason she doesn't stay over. She is talking about seeing a therapist and says she wont make a decision until she has, but all I get are excuses for why she hasn't scheduled a session. I personally think that she is afraid to face the consequences of her actions. I am easy on her and enable her, but a less invested third party will likely tell her to take responsibility...and she is not ready to hear that.
So, my question is...after all that...how long do I need to stay in this limbo? What can I do to break out of it without being super harsh and burning down the progress I have made? I don't want to be stuck in this friend zone forever, and the truth is I am only surviving it because I am tricking myself into believing the OM is either out of the picture or diminished. I am doing my best to GAL, but its kind of tough with a full-time job and two young children! She is around, but I am still the only parent there when they go to bed and wake up...I am the one who is responsible for their care.
