Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

Why are you blaming this all on you? Why did both of you see it as your problem to fix? Do you really do everything (small and big) that your W requests of you? Couldn't W have called the school to tell D was sick herself? Couldn't W have figured out a solution (either get someone to watch the kids or take the sick kid to the funeral...I know neither are ideal, but life is not ideal)?

Yes, she could have called the school, but she never does. She always sends me a msg to do it. I don't know why she is unwilling do do this. On the others, yea, she could have. Her view is since that I offered to come home, I let her down - she would have had S16 come home to babysit.

And where are your boundaries?

Good question. I attempted to apply them as follows:

[quote]*She called and texted you disrespectful names.

I responded that there was no need for it, I did not offer a consequence.

[quote]*She spewed at you in front of the children.

I told her it was not appropriate and that I would talk in another room. I left the room, first time. Second time she was standing in the doorway with S and D both in the room, there would have been no way I could exit without physically moving her. I told her it wasn't good for the kids and I didn't want to normalise what was happening. She raged that who was I to determine what was normal.

*She tried to hit and kick you.

Yes, she did. I stopped her. I left the room, but that was what she wanted by then anyway.

*She claimed that you were violent against her.

She did, and I corrected her in front of the kids. Although she said if I didn't get out of the room when she told me to then I deserved to get punched! Madness.

And if these are boundaries, what are the consequences of crossing them?

That's where I have never been able to make any headway. What can I do except leave the house? Which is what she wants half the time? If she puts me in a position where I can't exit without physically moving her? What do you do when you are trapped in that way? What do I do afterwards?

And if they aren't boundaries...can she do anything without consequences? Spend all of the money in your joint account? Spew at and hit the children? F*** the OM in the MBR while you make her coffee?

Well, we don't have a joint account, but often she does a good job of spending the money that she gets as half of this dysfunctional duo on stuff that isn't really necessary- but stopping her money is controlling, and she is employed by my company (just the 2 of us), plus she is a 25% shareholder.

She sometimes spews at the kids, mostly S16 , but to be fair, he can be quite bolshy. It's not usually spew with the kids, it's frustration and wanting the best for them. She has never hit them and I don't believe she would. But you are right - she believes she is entitled to do whatever the hell she wants. This is not because she is wayward. She is wayward because she feels entitled. In her mind I am sure she feels the victim in her waywardness.

I need to sort that IC as soon as possible, because I am not handling this in a healthy way for me or the kids. I remember in our early arguments, W's going on point was if you don't like it, you can leave. Negotiating with a terrorist springs to mind.

But I am open to advice from anyone who has handled similar situations? An aggressive W, when you are not an aggressive person. Being followed and trapped around the house, etc. Kids being brought into the sitch. What is left as a consequence other than leaving, which I don't want to do.