First time here

[leahsue]

Yes, looking back I can see red flags. If I'm honest, there were red flags that I saw at the time, but I was so in love, I chose to ignore them and hope they never surfaced. I guess they caught up.
I was driving yesterday and some song came on that triggered me emotionally- then just out of the blue this thought came to me: what's going on with H may not even be totally about me or our relationship- I'm not saying that gives me any hope for our R- I'm just saying that for the first time, it occurs to me that he may have gone through whatever "this" is, with our without me in his life. The more I read about MLC and depression, the more I think he may be dealing with both. I was deleting some of my old voice mails, and there was one from him on the night of Dec. 18, which I think was a couple of days before his one night stand. I had never listened to the voice mail, so I did, and what struck me was how sad and depressed he sounded, almost like he was resigned to some bad days ahead. It made me remember how most of the phone conversations I was having with him that week and the few weeks before had all sounded like that. At the time, I took it personally, to mean that he was either mad at me or didn't want to be talking to me. Now in hindsight, he just sounds sad. I think maybe I have made myself out to be way more important in this horrible situation than I actually was- which in a way is freeing to me. Maybe this is just him screwed up, and our R a sad by-product of his issues right now. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I would love to hear your thoughts.