Newbie, need help with WAW!

[180Man]

Hi,

I have my first DB session later today but I wanted to also post here and get more input. It's a long backstory but I'll try to cut out the unnecessary parts. I have already started the big picture plan (work on myself, spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally), but I'm lost when it comes to the smaller stuff and I need to make a decision by tonight on how to respond to my WAW. WAW and I are both 32 with no kids and a dog we raised. Together for 7.5 years, married for 5.5.

A little over a year ago I started to slide into depression. I didn't lose my job, but I lost my position and was transferred to a desk that did not require much work or thought. I went from a demanding job in the field helping people all day long to the mundane existence of answering a couple emails each day. Without going into detail about the position, let me just say I worked for a decade and had a lot of training and education that went into this position. I took pride in what I did and identified with it. That could be part of my problem, but I suppose that's something for me to work on. I should also add that I was not underperforming or being punished, it was just a numbers game and I drew the short straw. For what it's worth I can't leave the company for another few years without serious repercussions, so I'm kind of stuck for right now in this unfulfilling work situation. Add to that my dad having a stroke the summer before from which he hasn't recovered and can't even talk or communicate.

At the same time my wife who works at the same place (in a totally different department on the other side of the city) ended up getting moved to a very very demanding position requiring lots of travel and long hours. She tried to help me with my situation and was unable to, she felt I blamed her for my problems and expected her to fix it, and she felt helpless to pull me from my depression. Meanwhile our sex life suffered from my depression & stress, I was on autopilot and did not put the effort into it I should have. In her view I only cared about my own sexual fulfillment and not enough about hers. She's not wrong, but it's not that I never cared about her getting an equal amount out of it, but she continued to tell me everything was fine and I was self-absorbed and stressed about my own issues.

At the end of the summer she had a short affair with a co-worker, it happened twice. I found out the day before we were supposed to go into counseling for our existing issues. She agreed immediately to a no-contact letter, she has been extremely remorseful, she believes she is a monster, she thinks what she did is worse than murder because she's essentially getting away with it, she is more spiritual than I am and has had a hard time coming to terms with what she did with respect to her relationship with God, and she has also had a hard time coming to terms with her relationship with herself. I believe 100% the affair is over and her mother and step-mother have also reiterated this. She got close to someone at work, started living in la-la land, went to a big work party (with tons of alcohol) while she was traveling, and screwed up big time. And then she tried to convince herself she was in love and that she wasn't a monster and they tried it a second time and realized it was a terrible mistake. She realizes how terribly stupid she was and how completely wrong she was.

I found out the night before we had scheduled counseling anyways, I was so upset and didn't know who to talk to -- I cried, I yelled, I threw a glass across the room (not at her), I collapsed to the floor. But I didn't want any of my friends to have a lesser view of her because everyone loves her. She is a great person. After I found out I asked who knew about it, she said that she had told her mother. So I called her mother that night and talked to her. I told my wife I would see her at counseling the next day and went to bed alone (she slept in the guest room). We went to counseling two days in a row and then it was the weekend, I told her she could have the house and the dog for the weekend and that I was going out of town and wanted her to be gone by the time I got back on Sunday.

She spent the weekend cleaning the house and putting up a Christmas tree and trying to make everything nice for me. She left a note apologizing and saying she understood if I wanted to throw the tree out. She came back to the house Sunday night after I got home and knocked on the door and was in tears and wanted to talk. I was still angry and pretty much shut it down and wouldn't open the door more than a foot or so. I regret not letting her come in now and talk, but I was still angry and in shock.

We went to counseling four days in a row that next week. I had spent the weekend extremely angry and drinking with friends in another state but I never told them what was going on. A week into it I had been trying to read some eastern philosophy and the bible and I had really been digging into the topic of anger and how to handle it. I made a conscious decision that I did not want to be angry. Of course I couldn't just turn it off, but I did my best to avoid bringing anger into the counseling sessions -- she was being harder on herself than I ever could be and being pissed wasn't going to get us anywhere. I tried explaining this in counseling but I know she still doesn't quite understand or appreciate my thoughts on this. In some kind of screwed up way I think she wanted me to show anger for longer. I could sit here and get angry about it right now, but I know that will not help anything. During this time also she sent me a text with a link to a song that basically was about how she screwed up, how she wasn't good enough for me, and asking for forgiveness.

Also about a week into this I also decided to ask her out on a date (she was living in a hotel at this point). I got cleaned up, brought her a rose, took her on a date. It was weird but we made the best of it. We tried going out several days in a row and about once or twice a week after that. Some dates were better than others and we were really taking on way too much too early, but...hindsight. I also asked her to come home after about a week and she said she felt it wasn't the right time. She continued to say this for weeks.

We went to counseling once a week until mid-January (meanwhile she was and continues to rent room for herself). We also would go to church together and try to go on the dates. She went home to visit her family over the New Year (something we have always done together) and asked me not to come because she feared if we spent too much time together it would be too stressful and force us to the brink. Meanwhile, we were not really getting much out of counseling. The counselor was spinning our wheels, she would ask us to go home and do homework (like each of us come up with a list of good and bad things we remember from our relationship) and the next time the counselor wouldn't even remember it or bring it up. We were talking and being extremely kind with each other but we weren't getting anywhere in counseling.

Outside of counseling we were trying to email each other and talk about things but I think we did more damage than good. Add to that her mother trying to "help" each of us and in turn adding extra damage and it was all too much. Her mother's side of the family put a ton of pressure on her to stay with me and work through it. Her father's side just wanted to support both of us in as neutral a way possible. I did not tell her family at all, this was all my wife's doing. My wife also told me on multiple occasions that she wanted me to have a support system during this because she knew I couldn't really do so with my family and didn't want to involve my friends.

Anyways, there was a lot of pressure on her from her family, from work, from the counselor, and from me. It was too much. She got back from visiting her family, we had one good counseling session where we took control of the session and were able to start talking about pre-existing sexual issues (we both agreed this was what we wanted to talk about ahead of time). I was hoping the next week we would pickup where we left off, but the counselor had told my wife she needed to commit to the process of counseling. She also told my wife she needed to "stop taking her temperature everyday" when it came to my wife's feelings of attractiveness toward me. My wife said she loves and cares for me deeply but doesn't feel in-love or passionate for me anymore. The counselor told her it wasn't just going to reappear one day that it was a longer process through which we reconnected.

It was all too much, I think, and the next week my wife came in and handed me a three page letter asking for a divorce (about a month ago). She wanted to bolt but the counselor asked her to stay. I tried to be very understanding and calm. I told her I disagree very much with her decision but love her anyways. I had also come with a letter that took ownership of a lot of my problems and told her how much I care for her and want to work things out. She told me she wanted me to email her with any questions or whatever that I might have. She also said her step-mother had flown in to be there to support me. I think my wife really just came under so much pressure and finally said F-it. Her step-mother agrees with this, though I'm sure there's more to it. Like...not feeling attracted to her husband anymore.

Step-mom was great and was here for a week. She really dedicated herself to helping both of us in as neutral a way as possible. She got me eating and exercising again. She wanted to help us both heal and if we can one day come back together great and if not, she still loves both of us. After my wife said she wanted a divorce, apparently her mom sent her a nasty email saying she didn't support her and she needed to grow up. I waited a little over a week and finally emailed my wife. It was a really good email, I didn't accuse her of anything or beg her, I told her I heard her, I understood, that I feel we have some horrible miscommunications and then I told her a little bit about how this process has been a tremendous awakening for me and really helped me learn about myself, how I haven't dealt with stress or depression very well, how it has affected us, etc, and told her that I love her and support her regardless of what happens to us and that I just want her to be happy. She emailed back and said she hears me too, that she thinks we both need to work on ourselves right now and even though we're going through hell it will be the best for us regardless of what happens to us, and that she was glad I had such a great support system right now during a time when she can't be here for me, and that she was really happy I was getting in touch with my spiritual side.

I have been working on myself, trying to grow, get in touch with my spiritual side, become confident again, get away from neediness and dependency that my wife felt I had, exercise, work on the house, and generally become a good man again. The man my wife married and perhaps more. I've been reading non-stop, in fact I wish I had more time to read I have too much stuff lined up that I want to get through. After her step-mom left and flew home, her step-mom would call or text every day to see how I was doing. I was trying to limit this contact when about a week later my WAW's step-father had a stroke.

My WAW was out of town for work and I emailed her to ask if she would like me to go with her to support her mother and step-father during this medical crisis. She couldn't leave work and had a stomach bug (and thus didn't want to go into the ICU) but wanted me to go to be able to support her mother since mom had called and asked me to come. The stroke was bad. My wife was supposed to come out later in the week, but said she didn't want us to both be there at the same time because it would be too much stress with everything going on. Her mother told my WAW that she needed to put our issues aside for right now and come out to help her. I knew my WAW wouldn't respond well to this and I bought a ticket home early and sent my WAW an email telling her I was leaving early against her mother's wishes so that my she could fly out and be there. WAW replied and said she wanted me to stay there through the weekend, that she was still sick and would only have a couple days there before having to go back to work anyways.

I flew home after being there for a week, WAW had been to the house and moved her stuff out. She sent me an email when I landed and left a letter at the house – both essentially saying the same thing, that we have grown apart, she wants a divorce, that we can’t find happiness with each other anymore, but that she wanted me to contact her with any questions I had so she could give me closure. I told her mother because I was still in constant contact with her due to the stroke situation and her mother texted my WAW telling her moving out while I was taking care of her family was pretty screwed up.

My WAW self-identified as an emotional avoider in counseling and to me in the past – when talking about the loss of her college girlfriend relationships (she lost all of these friends over the past several years), she would say that due to her childhood and moving around so much she felt like people were mostly disposable. I was very upset when I came home to find that she had moved her stuff out…But also confused to find that she had cleaned the house as well. I’m guessing it was some sort of effort to make herself feel better about what she was doing, knowing it was screwed up. I’m not sure, honestly. I had really had enough at this point. Even though her family had been contacting me, I wasn’t trying to recruit them to say or do anything. I had been trying to taper off the contact but still remain polite. I had not seen or talked to my WAW since she said she wanted a divorce in counseling. I was trying to give her time/space. I was trying to work on myself. When her step-father had the stroke I debated on what to do, but I knew that the right thing was to support the family – with my father having had a bad stroke a year and a half ago, I knew how devastating it could be. Needless to say, I felt like being nice and giving her space was just not doing anything. I felt like she was walking all over me and didn’t respect me for trying to make things work. I wrote her an email the day after I got back. I sat on it for a day, revised it, made it less harsh. I basically told her she was avoiding me, avoiding dealing with the situation, avoiding dealing with the emotions and the fallout from her affair, and avoiding talking to me in-person. I called her out. I didn’t talk down to her or call her names, I just called the situation like I see it – that she only talks to family members who support her decision and is living in an echo chamber, avoiding contact with her mother, sister, and step-father (before his stroke) because they don’t agree with what she is doing. It wasn’t all bad, I also tried to explain how I feel and that I love her even though we are all human and screw up.

That was about two weeks ago. Leading up to this point I had been inadvertently following various parts of Sandi's Rules – not begging, not pleading, etc. I have since been strictly following this with the exception of checking in on her step-dad’s condition. I’m really not sure how to handle that, I want to know how he is doing, but her mom usually ends up talking about my WAW too. I have also been going to the gym almost every day, reading, and generally trying to GAL.

Last night my WAW emailed me asking if I would be willing to meet her Wednesday night for coffee. She didn’t say anything else, just that she was swamped at work. I’m not sure if I should go. I feel like disengaging means for longer than this. And I don’t feel I’m really ready to talk to her right now. Maybe a month from now, but Wednesday seems awfully soon. Amazon sent me an email over the weekend saying she had disconnected our accounts from sharing prime. I could care less about Amazon, but this small act shows me she is still on the road to divorce and total disconnection. What do I do??? My best friend is familiar with the whole situation and thinks I should postpone it a week, but thinks not going is ultimately showing her I'm weak.

Writing this I realized that I’ve done a terrible job at following Sandi's Rules until these past couple of weeks. In fact, it’s embarrassing to look back at see how much I screwed up so far, but I suppose nobody goes into this knowing how to handle it.

Thank you so much for reading this and giving me feedback. I love her so much, I want to make this work between us if it's possible.