Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

OK, so I was just reading back on LT's sitch and Zues was giving some good advice on validating, boundaries and managing disrespect.

Today, I have managed to screw up again.

WW has her grandma's funeral to attend, but just as I was getting to the office (after a near 3 hr journey) I get a message saying D5 is ill, and can't go to school.

The relevant text messages were as follows:
W: I can't take D to school, she's ill xx
W: I don't know what to do now. Can you call the school and say she has a temp and a headache.
W: Looks like I won't be able to attend the funeral x
M: On it xx you need me to come home early? xx
W: Have to be there just before 2 xx
M: Let me see what I can do xx
M: That's OK, I can leave at 11, get the 11:30 train. I'll check trains from city to village.

There were some other bits and pieces - she asked me to see if SS16 could come home from school, then I phoned her to clarify. She agreed she wanted me home as SS didn't want to miss any lessons, and I'm pretty sure I told her what time the train got into the city - I then need to catch a rural service as my car is in having the brakes sorted.

The problem arose with my misunderstanding - I thought she meant she wanted me home just before 2, expecting the funeral to be at 2:30. She meant that she had to be there just before 2...

So, just jump on the rural train at the city station, at 1:30, send this:

M: I get to village station at 10 to 2, that means I get home about 5 past, is that OK?
W: The funeral is at 2
W: and how r u getting home
M: bike
M: S##t, i could get off at earlier stop if you can meet me there with D5 and then I'll drop you off?
M: or meet me at village station?
W: wtf
M: Is D well enough to go in the car?
W: tw@t
W: I thought S16 would be the problem
M: You said I had to be there just before 2. Sorry
W: No I didn't, I'm trying to get ready
M: Ah, [censored], sorry love
W: I said the funeral is at 2
W:You are a [censored]
W:Explain that to the whole crowd.
W:I can't go them can I. [censored]
M: This is a screw up but there's no need for that. Meet me at the village station with D5 and I'll drive you straight there

No answer from W, plus poor reception. I phoned her from the village station and she was still getting ready, so I cycled home. She was in the car about to leave, D5 was inside crying, as she thought mummy was leaving her alone.

I interrupted the typing of this msg because she got back home. She sat in the car for 10 minutes on her phone. When she came in I asked her how it was. She said terrible, she missed most of it, her dad's speech, and started telling me how I was an idiot, I had known it was at 2 (this is true, it was mentioned a week or 2 ago, I just forgot), that I couldn't be trusted, and the spew just escalated. The insults and belittling, all in front of D5. I tried to validate, say that it was a genuine mistake on my part, but W wouldn't listen. She said this was why she couldn't stand me.

I had to say I wasn't going to be talked to that way, and it shouldn't happen in front of D, got up to leave the room (I was sitting at my desk in the study). She tried to physically block me from leaving the room, started saying that's right run away.

I had to walk around the desk to get out of the room. I walked into the living room, and said we can talk in there. She refused, then went into the kitchen. I went into the kitchen to talk to her, she told me to get out, to get out of her face - in context, I wasn't in her face, we were separated by a kitchen island, length ways. I said that I was there to speak, that I though she wanted to speak. She came round the kitchen island and physically attacked me, tried to hit me, which I stopped, then tried to kick me. I left then. SS16 arrived shortly afterwards, went up to see her (she was in her room by then). He asked me what had happened, I explained, said that I misunderstood, that I screwed up. WW came down, accused my of lying, said that I had to be told these things, and that it had to be said in front of people so that they knew how dangerous I was with my stupidity. Said I should apologise for grabbing her wrists - so I had to explain in front of the kids that she tried to hit me. She said it was my fault, that she told me to leave, so I should have.

Spew continued a while. Brought up some other stuff I had said (like when we were arguing and unable to resolve it, in front of D, I had said I didn't want D to be like her (meaning in terms of arguing). I followed up with I didn't want her to be like me either, that I wanted her to be better, able to deal with things, but I agree, it was a sh!tty thing to say. W said that I couldn't expect to have things on my terms, i.e. leaving the room, I wasn't God, I didn't get to decide what was moral. That I was a stupid man who couldn't understand english, and I needed to be told and the kids needed to hear it. They would be fine, they needed to know life was hard. etc etc.

So... question. How the hell do I deal with this? I don't have the emotional skill set to deal with it effectively. W needs to rage. This funeral issue has upset her even more, understandably. But this is unacceptable even for an upset woman. Any advice? What sort of boundary do I apply in this scenario, particularly when she is upset about missing the funeral. Or do I just get the hell out of dodge for a while? Let her cool down?