Her – 33 Me – 38 Son – 12 Been together – 16 Years Married – 7 Years
Ok, my first post so please take it easy on me. I apologize for the length in advance. So here is my story… my wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 23. It didn’t start well, more as fling more than anything else. She was totally enamored with me at the time. As we were dating for about 2 years she got pregnant at 19. I was very adamant about her having an abortion but luckily and through the grace of God she didn’t and we now have an amazing 12 year old boy who is the center of our universe. Needless to say she has a lot of resentment (and rightfully so) for my behavior during her pregnancy. We didn’t get married until our son was 5 years old and we did it at the justice of the peace. Again a lot of resentment. Somewhere along the line her being enamored with me turned and now she has the opposite feelings. A few years ago I had a vasectomy. Shortly after, she regretted it and said she wanted to have another baby. We have now been together for 16 years. She is 33 and I am 38. During the 16 years we have had ups and downs. Money has never been a real issue allowing us to go on great family vacations, nice house with pool, nice vehicles, etc. So a few issues over the last couple years of note: 1. She caught me with a secondary email address trying to talk to another woman 2. I caught her in bed with another man (both fully clothed at the time)… 3. I caught her making out with her best friend (female) at our NYE party. We had several couples over and a couple of singles. To date she despised that type of behavior and never had partaken in it. Well, our son was at this party (lots of drinking mind you), so I swooped her and her girlfriend into the bedroom and onto the bed. I went to use the restroom and when I come back they are having full blown lesbian sex. I was in complete shock (drunk mind you) and thought it would be a good time to join in. I joined in for a short amount of time at which point my wife got sick and went to the restroom to throw up. Her friend followed her in there and was consoling her as she was throwing up. Shortly thereafter, her friend came back to the bed and her and I had sex (while my wife was throwing up). I am not proud of this and live with regret each day/hour. My wife claimed she blacked out and didn’t willingly participate in anything and that I was to blame for everything including “not protecting her”, and having sex with her friend. The next night I started sleeping on the couch and did so for about four days while my wife was continuing to sleep in the bedroom. One night about 5:30am, my cell phone rang and it was my wife saying to unlock the door. I was in a fog from being woke up like that and went and unlocked the door. She came in from the outside dressed as she was going out for the night and casually walked to the bedroom. I ask her what was going on and where she had been and she said “you have lost the privilege to know this anymore”. A couple night later she woke at about 12;30am and advised she was leaving. As it turns out she had been going over to the across the street neighbor’s house (single male) and spending “time” with him. So at this point I moved in with my parents’ house. Things from about 1/7/17 to just 2/12/17 have been highly contentious and not good at all. I actually filed for divorce on 1/17/17 and have until around the first week of April before it will be final. Ok, here is where it gets interesting. She had been very upfront and honest telling me that she is dating that man, and that she developed feelings for him within 2-3 weeks. HE treats her so well, better than she has ever been treated (he is 10 years older than her) and why would she come back to me where there has been a void there for a long time. I have been doing the opposite of the 180’s, begging, crying, etc.. up until about a week ago. She is now saying she is “confused, undecided, hurt, doesn’t know what she wants, etc”. However, we met at Starbuck 2 days ago and had about a 3.5 hour conversation (30 mins of it was about the division of assets if/when we get a divorce) the other 3 hours were about us and the over life and situation. It was very positive and even ended with me walking her to her car and us hugging and me giving her a kiss on the check that was well received. As it turns out she agreed to go to a program at our church this Wednesday night. However, keep in mind she is still dating this other man and hasn’t told him she is going to this program with me. Of course there are a million more little details here and there but for the sake of time I will not share. So my questions: 1. Do I go to this program with her on Wednesday even though she is still dating this man? I asked her why she wanted to go and her response was “I am willing to try one step at a time to see what happens” 2. Do I continue to try 180’s or try to be more affectionate? 3. Do I give her an ultimatum about her dating this man and if she continued I will see the divorce through in about 28 days? 4. It seems she is slowly becoming more in reality. She is self-admitted to not knowing what she wants and that since she has been with me since she was 17 she wants to “see what else is out there”. 5. I have agreed to have a vasectomy reversal and give her another baby 6. Do I have my head burred in the sand and should wake up and g through with the divorce? I love her more than anything and still to this day I could forgive her for dating this other man currently. 7. What do I do?!?!??!?
I moved you to newcomers so that more people will see your post and be able to offer support.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.
I know you are wanting to move your marriage in a more positive direction. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
1. Getting her pregnant when you weren't married and she was still a teenager and wanting an abortion, though she didn't get one
2. Not marrying her...even after she had your child...and when you did marry her, it was five years later and at the justice of the peace (no ceremony, reception, etc.)
3. Various threats of or actual infidelity (on both of your parts)
4. She wants another baby...and to date, you have not been willing to give her one (though that's now under discussion)
And that's just in your introductory post. I'm sure there's a lot more that you haven't told us.
First, I'm proud that you have an awareness and ownership of some of the issues you contributed to where your M is today. That's a great first step.
Second, believe your W when she says she is confused...the most disturbing thing she said is she wants to see what else is out there...many of us here have heard the same.
Third, on the surface both of you seem to be giving each other contradictory messages: she says she is confused and is willing to go to a church marriage program...yet is sleeping with the across the street neighbor; you say you love her more than anything and could forgive her...yet you are the one who pulled the D trigger quickly/filed for D.
Fourth, you want answers to your list of seven questions. As a relative newbie with little information from you, I'm going to throw it back to you: what do you want to do and why? Only you are living in your shoes and know the details of your situation. There are generally two schools of thought, a softer one (re-build a relationship and connection) and a harder one (tough love at least until the affair is over...sandi2's rules). Only you will know the right approach. If you have the resources to do the DB coaching, you may want to consider that as talking to a live person (in contrast to an anonymous message board) can be invaluable.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
She caught me with a secondary email address trying to talk to another woman 2. I caught her in bed with another man (both fully clothed at the time)… 3. I caught her making out with her best friend
This tells me that neither of you really are interested in being married. Is this correct?
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It seems she is slowly becoming more in reality. She is self-admitted to not knowing what she wants and that since she has been with me since she was 17 she wants to “see what else is out there”.
Honestly? She wants out.
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Do I have my head burred in the sand and should wake up and g through with the divorce? I love her more than anything and still to this day I could forgive her for dating this other man currently.
No one can answer that question but you. The main thing for now, is that you work on yourself. Get yourself to be the best Sellout you can. For you. Whether she comes back is up to her and only her...but, there is no working on your marriage until she out of the affair. That's why we say get yourself to where you need to be. For you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you all for the well wishes and comments thus far. So, its my understanding that I should forgo going to the counseling re/engage program until she gives up the other man? She is saying she wants to go to the program to see if there is any hope in the marriage and then she will give up the man. Seems like a catch 22. My thought process at the moment is that the program is just over 24 hours from now as Im typing this. I have nothing to lose between now and then and I will go with her to the program. Then, after the program is over tomorrow night, in my mind the clock is ticking and perhaps I draw a hard line in the sand with an ultimatum and time frame. Id she refuses to stop seeing him, I can pretty much assume it is over and then continue on with the divorce proceeding in about 28 days. Does anyone think this is a good/bad plan? Thoughts?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
thanks. I am now living away so this is not an issue.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
She is saying she wants to go to the program to see if there is any hope in the marriage and then she will give up the man
Let me get this straight - she says that she will give up the OM IF and only IF the marriage works? Mmmm, no.
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Then, after the program is over tomorrow night, in my mind the clock is ticking and perhaps I draw a hard line in the sand with an ultimatum and time frame. Id she refuses to stop seeing him, I can pretty much assume it is over and then continue on with the divorce proceeding in about 28 days. Does anyone think this is a good/bad plan? Thoughts?
Ultimatums don't work in our cases. What you can say is that as long as she's in with him, then there is no "us" and won't be. But, she has to drop him. I wouldn't hold my breath.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So my questions: 1. Do I go to this program with her on Wednesday even though she is still dating this man? I asked her why she wanted to go and her response was “I am willing to try one step at a time to see what happens” I think it's OK to go. But the focus should on listening and validating. That said, you cant really progress as a couple until it's the two of you committed to making things work.As long as OM is in the picture, that cant really happen.
2. Do I continue to try 180’s or try to be more affectionate? These are definitely different questions. YES, you should be doing 180s. Stop the unproductive behaviors. That said, while there is an OM, your affection is only making the situation worse. Stop pursuing her.
3. Do I give her an ultimatum about her dating this man and if she continued I will see the divorce through in about 28 days? You already filed. YOU get to decide whether or not to stop it. Dont give an ultimatum, because what if she stops it to get you to 'unfile' and then restarts it as soon as the ink is dry? YOU decide whether or not to stop it. EVen if it goes through, what does it really mean anyway?
4. It seems she is slowly becoming more in reality. She is self-admitted to not knowing what she wants and that since she has been with me since she was 17 she wants to “see what else is out there”. Is this a question? To me, it sounds pretty typical. Let her see. The grass isnt greener.
5. I have agreed to have a vasectomy reversal and give her another baby Are you going through with the surgery? If so, I wouldnt. This shouldnt be a way to 'get her back'. This is something you should do if you choose to once this situation is resolved.
6. Do I have my head burred in the sand and should wake up and g through with the divorce? I love her more than anything and still to this day I could forgive her for dating this other man currently. Divorce or no, you need to re-connect with yourself. What is important to you? How can you become the best version of you possible? These are the things to focus on now, I think.
