Moored

[roist]

I think that having gone through depression helps you understand how it can be hard for H. I think that he is doing the best he can. He texts because he does not know how to verbalise in front of you. Some of it may be cowardice but I think a large part of it is not being able to otherwise.

Your depression and consequent behavior surely contributed to the downfall of your H. You did the best you could have but during that time you were not putting any positivity into your M and even more so were adding negativity. I am not saying this to make you feel bad or to blame yourself.

Now the tables are reversed and H is only adding negativity and you are not being treated well. Use your experience to help you support this phase of your life. Empathize with your H. He feels unhappy and does not know how to fix that. You know that feeling. Now none of this excuses his behaviour but hopefully makes it easier for you to support.

I understand your feelings and am sure that during his "normal"episodes, you cannot appreciate them fully because you are overwhelmed by the rest of his shite. You feel it's nice/better but not nearly enough after all the rest. You would be right to think that H being chatty doesn't erase a multitude of bad behavior. But this should not be considered that way. Keeping score will only result in losers.

Appreciate those "normal" interactions more. View them as a pause in the madness, not as something that makes up for the past or something to build on for the future.

For someone who wants out and doesn't love you, he does seem to make a lot of little efforts for you. After each series of crape behaviour he often reaches out. It doesn't matter why he is doing this at this stage but just be aware that he is. The pattern does appear that he does so after you have let him know some behavior is not acceptable. Initially he does not like that but it seems that afterwards he could possibly realise you are not going to take all and any behavior he puts your way. I imagine this is more a subconscious process than him deciding that. Maybe job or someone else who has been around here longer can comment on this.

I also fully understand that holidays together are less appealing and even fill you with dread. I am curious as for why you said yes when you clearly weren't sure. It is okay to say that you will get back to him about it or to say no. I understand with your sons being present you may have felt obliged to do so for them. It is still not too late to go speak to him alone, but as you mentioned it is a few months away and a lot can happen in the meantime. I also liked sottos comment and would be tempted to tell H to plan the trip for him and sons and you will decide later if you would join them.

One last thought I have about your situation. I am fully against D and know it is not a solution, at leas not a good one. I reread your first thread and your recent postings. You were depressed and wanted out. Now H is depressed and wants out and you don't know if you want in. But you are still there. I wonder if deep down you do want in? I doubt dislike of divorce could enable someone endure so much so long. You do not need to reply but it could be worth digging onto. S simple question is to ask "why do I do that" and each reply, you accept the answer and reask the same question for that reply. Ultimately (in theory) wevdisvover our truest purest motivation by doing so.

Best wishes